Healing through Grief

During a Skype conversation between my best friend and I (he was in India and I was in the US) in September 2012, my best friend of 6 years told me "Katie, no matter what happens, I will love you forever." The second most heartbreaking phone call I've received in my adult life came just two months later when my other best friend called me on a Monday morning in mid November. "Katie, he's gone."

I've experienced deaths of loved ones in my life (one of the most painful of my childhood occurred when I was just 11 years old)....but none of them have been quite as emotionally painful as the sudden, unexpected loss of my young, kind, and loving best friend. One day while talking about the difficulties of managing my grief/loss while still going to work and trying to be a good therapist to my clients, an intern whom has been doing clinical assessment training with me told me about this book.

"Healing Through the Dark Emotions" salved the emotional pain in my psyche like nothing or no one else could during these last 6 months, for which I'm incredibly grateful. Miriam Greenspan is not only a therapist whom offers professional insights, she has been through her own personal battles with grief and loss as well. Instead of perceiving it as a hopeless negative, however, Greenspan seizes the pain as an opportunity for potential growth. She encourages readers to look deeply within themselves with compassion and curiosity, urging them to surrender to the pain instead of resist it....because as painful as it feels to do so, it is more fruitful to embrace it than let it fester into destructive pain that leads to addiction and overall health dis-ease.

If you're looking for a meaningful (possibly life changing)grief and loss book that strays off the beaten path (ie, one that is not pop psychology-ish), this is the one for you.

The living moment

(Photo taken by me, July 2011)

Most of us tend to wake up every day and expect things to be the same they were yesterday, whether that be positive or negative. We live with a false sense of security or mindlessness of wash, rinse, and repeat, going through the motions of day to day living (our comfort zone perhaps?). It can be easy to lose sight of meaning, purpose, and/or gratitude when we're on the proverbial auto-pilot.

But what if tomorrow you woke up with a sense of true wonder instead, not knowing what the day has in store for you? Would you be more grateful for the people in your life and the beauty around you? Would you be more compassionate? More forgiving? More happy? Would you let the little things go? I know I would.

Every moment presents a unique opportunity for mindfulness, peace, and completeness. Yesterday and today have been particularly enriching reminders to me of living in the moment.

I live in a beautiful city, the most beautiful place I've lived thus far...Seattle. Now most mornings I begrudgingly head out to work dreading the rush hour gridlock on I-5. Yesterday morning, however, I couldn't take my eyes off the rays of sun pushing their way through the clouds off in the distant horizon of Bellevue to my left. It's a wonder I didn't get in an accident with how hypnotized I was by the tranquil morning sunrise in my midst. This morning was no exception, as I took in the beauty of mountains as a backdrop to the glow of the sun. How did I get so lucky to see something so gorgeous to start my day, right before my very eyes? Just when I thought it couldn't get any better, tonight I was walking to my car as the sun was setting and I was blown away by a virtual painting in the sky, brushstrokes of cloud lines dappled with patches of pink and purple. A camera could do it no justice.

My mindfulness also extends to relationships....being reminded of how quick things can change with people in our lives, in my own relationships as well as what others tell me of their relationships with partners, family, friends, colleagues...and in my profession, even clients we help. Today a friend of mine shared with me that one of his colleagues that is a year younger than him was suddenly diagnosed with stage 4 cancer....and one of my colleagues today found out suddenly that a client died. Funny enough, a movie I watched tonight also reminded me of this same theme. In "The High Cost of Living" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-t1Vc6PfcMs), drug dealer Henry is living a mindless haphazard existence...until suddenly (!) he accidentally hits a pregnant woman with his car one night. I won't say anything more about the movie because it's astounding; you must see for yourself. It couldn't be a more apropos movie to represent what has become a helpful reminder to me not to take the simple (ie, beauty of a sunrise or sunset) nor the complex (ie, people in our lives) for granted.

Suddenly. Suddenly. Suddenly. It can change so fast. We don't expect to get tragic news, nor do we usually expect that the last time we see someone may very well be the last time. Granted, if we took this to the extreme in our lives it may make for a very morbid and paranoid outlook....but taken with a healthy sense of mindfulness and compassion, it can give us the opportunity to live more deeply (and paradoxically, more lightly) and love more fully.

"The living moment is everything." ~D.H. Lawrence

Gr-Attitude

A friend of mine, a fellow mental health clinician, gave me an idea last month....to practice daily gratitude.....write/post 4 things (anything....from the simple to the deeper/more profound) for which you're grateful for every day for 30 days. I decided to revert to my "old school" ways and write in a journal with my fancy roller gel pen. In a world where virtually everything is shared in public mediums, there's something to be said for writing somewhere for my eyes only if I so choose. I started this little project while on my vacation in Chicago and two weeks into it, I'm already noticing a difference in my overall attitude each day.

Being the book buying and reading fiend that I am, I naturally wandered into a bookstore at the airport on my way home the other day. I was immediately drawn to a blue book that might as well have had neon lights flashing, luring me in. If I remembered correctly, another mental health counselor friend of mine had mentioned recently reading this blue book. I picked it up, flipped it over, and read the back cover. The cashier had my money within 5 minutes.

A perfect supplement to the 30 day daily gratitude list, I spent the whole 4 and a half hours of my flight reading "The Happiness Project." What's funny is that nothing the writer said was remarkable or insightful....but it was the way she said things or maybe what she chose to write about. It sparked inspiration and motivation, something that comes to me far and few between the last 2-3 years (at least in regard to my writing and ability to express my greatest creative potential).

Reading the book made me happy during those hours; it gave me hope that a muse is within my reach. I had this urge to want to do more with my photography, had thoughts about rearranging the appearance of my apartment, envisioned myself doing artsy things soon with an art/photo journal I started a few years ago, and write on my poor neglected but still dearly loved (by me anyway) blog. It's amazing what you find yourself thinking about when you're "forced" to become more aware of it. I can't help but wonder if practicing daily gratitude is a driving factor. And let me tell you, nothing is more difficult than finding things to be grateful for when so much is going on around you.....around the world (ie, earthquake and tsunami in Japan comes to mind), at work, anywhere! When things are overwhelming, stressful, or hopelessness starts creeping into your psyche and you can STILL find gratitude----such is the absolute "test."

Yesterday and today were two such days for me, today in particular. Yesterday I noticed a discrepancy on my bank statement regarding a monthly auto debit deduction for my student loan bill: it was lower than usual. For a few minutes I considered not calling about it, thinking it was a pleasant mistake.

Then that "Do the right thing Katie" part of my brain kicked in and I vowed to call the student loan customer service number.

Turns out after a 20 minute conversation with a customer service representative, I still don't completely understand why it was lower. All I know is it has something to do with the maximum number of payments I'm allowed that the brilliant (note the sarcasm) federal government has decided I cannot exceed for a lifetime amount, thus creating (unrealistically) high monthly payments after a certain pay period. This resulted in me feeling dejected and somewhat ashamed, as I was feeling stuck between wanting to be a responsible student loan bill paying citizen and wondering how it's possible to do so on my "public servant" salary.

What struck me most of all though about this exchange I had with this perfect stranger was how he responded to my concerns: he listened with genuine compassion. I could hear it in his voice. You can tell when someone is merely doing their job vs. saying something like they really mean it. "This guy 'gets it," I thought.

Granted, it didn't alter my long term financial predicament at all...but sometimes it's simply refreshing to feel heard by another human being. Maybe he has debts or bills he's struggling to pay himself. In any case, I found myself oddly thankful for his empathy and willingness to genuinely listen.

If we can find bits of gratitude in the most unpleasant experiences, just imagine how much more awareness, happiness, and creativity we can muster in the best of circumstances!

"It is easy to be heavy; hard to be light." --G.K. Chesterton

"Nothing can make our life, or the lives of other people, more beautiful than perpetual kindness." --Leo Tolstoy

"Go get yourself loved." ---from 2011 independent film "Happy thank you more please"