Organically intimate

Opening up. Letting go. Surrendering. To oneself. The moment. To opportunities for organic intimacy with the self and with friends or lovers. How often do we allow ourselves this in the age of iPhones, iPads, texts, social networking, cyber chats, busy lifestyles and instant gratification? How often do we pick up the phone to share something of depth and meaning with another? Share laughter, spark intellectually stimulating conversation, swap life stories, or otherwise hidden secrets?

We fidget, we resist, we avoid ourselves and each other, we escape into machines and addictions. The humanity that can be found in connecting is fading in the dwindling creative process that takes place when people interact and relate in organic ways....face to face, heart to heart, verbal conversations, eye contact, touch, body language, expression of visceral uncensored emotion, vulnerability (being emotionally "naked," open, honest, and transparent with nothing to hide behind/from).

I could be in the minority that finds these experiences few and far between, but I highly doubt it. Having recently experienced a significant number of these experiences more than the usual (ie, rare), I got to thinking how much different I feel with them vs. without them. Connected. Alive. Joyful. Hopeful. Seen, wanted, desired, understood, known. Real experiences evoke real emotion. Virtual is an illusion that numbs and leaves one extremely wanting. It's no wonder why we as an American society are more depressed, disconnected, empty, unhealthy (physically and emotionally), and overly medicated now more than ever. But it doesn't have to be that way.

It will likely feel very uncomfortable to relax and completely surrender to your physical environment when you've been tethered to the ease of virtual living for so long. But you will feel alive. Earlier this week I had one (of many) such moments. I've recently discovered a new interest and appreciation for relaxation yoga and meditation, something that never struck my fancy until I was at my wit's end with a painful rib injury that left me desperate to try just about anything to heal that much quicker. Sadly, this was my only motivation for going. I'm oddly grateful for that injury though because it gave me the priceless gift of yoga. It's done wonders for my soul. I'm able to relax and let go completely, which speaks volumes since I can rarely turn myself completely to "off" mode. Since I've been practicing this yoga once a week, it's becoming a little more natural and likely I can do so when I'm not in the class.

Then there's meditation. I've never been one to meditate. I never thought I could do it the "right" way, even thought it to be boring, futile, and even a little pretentious. The other night, however, proved me wrong. Within minutes of being asked to think about and visualize those in my life who have been my greatest teachers, mentors, and loving supporters....my eyes (which were shut) filled with tears as I found myself surprisingly overcome with emotion, triggered by memories of people dear to my heart. I was filled with such joy to be reminded of this love and gratitude that could have gone unnoticed otherwise.

As I have been challenging myself, I challenge you to seek out opportunities to live in the organic....that which kindles intimacy and self-discovery, sparks genuine self-expression.

Real is slow, organic, random, messy, risky, at times even ecstacy. A puzzle to be put together. Layers of an onion to be peeled. A gift to be unwrapped and savored.

Sexual compulsion and the internet

As a mental health therapist working in the community mental health system, I'm constantly challenged by a myriad of presenting problems clients would like to work on in therapy. While I've been working in the field of co-occurring disorders (ie, addiction and mental health) since 2005, there are certain disorders I'm very skilled in and others I have very little knowledge or experience to draw from.

I'd venture to guess that an individual presenting to therapy is confident that their therapist can help them tackle any and all presenting clinical problems. Unfortunately, this is not always realistically possible. Sometimes the problem is totally out of the scope of a clinician's educational or professional competence. In these instances, referral to a more appropriate professional specialist is warranted. In a majority of cases, however, it is important for clinicians to take the initiative to seek either (or both) supervision, case consultation with trusted colleagues, and self-motivated professional development via continuing education classes/workshops or reading professional literature on the particular subject.

With that said, I was recently presented with a case involving compulsive masturbation and addictive online sexual behavior. I found myself (internally) floundering within this extremely sexually revelatory session with my client....not out of discomfort of the subject matter being discussed, but out of not knowing how to specifically help someone with this particular issue. Especially given how vulnerable my client felt telling me and wanting the client to continue feeling confident or courageous enough to proceed with treatment.

I found myself both intimidated and intrigued by this newfound clinical challenge, that of sex/cybersex addiction. Immediately and somewhat ironically, I searched various sites online for well-written and highly rated professional books on the topic. Much to my surprise, it was a disappointing and difficult search. While there are a plethora of books promoting "healthy" sexuality and how to explore one's sexuality in healthy/safe ways, books on sexual addiction are few and far between. The book I ended up getting wasn't even one I thought would be very helpful, but it ended up being decent.

"In the Shadows of the Net" by Carnes, Delmonico, and Griffin explores and analyzes the dangerous allure of the Internet on one's sexual proclivities, especially given the technologically dependent society we live in. Although certainly not to be used by any means as an excuse to act out compulsive sexual behaviors, the availability of sexual content and ease of anonymity online makes it that much easier for an individual to get sucked into a downward spiral of unhealthy and unmanageable sexual behavior. Chapters in this book include identifying problematic behavior ("Do I Have a Problem with Cybersex? and "Understanding Problematic Sexual Behavior on the Internet"), analyzing sexual arousal and intimacy ("What Turns You On? The Arousal Template" and "Courtship Gone Awry"), and how to change/recover from sexually addictive behaviors ("Boundaries," "Taking That First Step," "Changing the Way You Live," "Preventing Relapse: Maintaining the Changes You've Made," and "Family Dynamics and Cybersex"). I found "Understanding Problematic Sexual Behaviors on the Internet," "What Turns You On?," "Courtship Gone Awry," and "Boundaries" to be most helpful.

Upon reading the second half of the book, I realized recovery for sex addiction is very similar to alcohol and drug addiction. The author posits that there is a stronger propensity for relapse with sexual addiction than other addictions. Not sure I agree with that, though the relapse prevention model is very much akin to those used in alcohol/drug recovery programs and seeing that made me feel more confident in my professional capabilities to help a client seeking recovery for sexual addiction. I might even take it one step further and pursue a training to become a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist.

Who can say their work is never boring or that they're always learning more about the human condition?

Therapists.

"Connecting" with each other in a postmodern world

Living in an age of rapidly expanding technology has become part and parcel of daily mainstream living. While it certainly has its benefits, one particular aspect of technology has me wondering lately if it is helping or hindering relationships we have with each other in the postmodern world.

Communication. Simple enough concept, right? Or is it? What is "normal" communication these days and does "normal" necessarily carry a positive connotation? It may not be "negative" either, but at the most...that of indifference. This past week I have thought about all the various relationships I have with people....family, friends, acquaintances, and potential dating possibilities. I thought about how many people I actually see in person or talk to on the phone on a regular or even semi-regular basis. The percentage was pretty low when I thought about it....sad? Most people in my life I communicate with via email and/or text messages. Ironic, considering I communicate with others in a more interpersonal way in my line of work....and the fact that some of the people I don't talk to on the phone are more easily accessible, not living far from me in physical distance. I have noticed that I, like many people I have observed lately, have become an internet and text message junkie.

Over the course of the past six to nine months, I have been sending and receiving a constant influx of text messages. Prior to last year, I don't think I really knew much about texting, or just didn't utilize that feature on my cell phone. I've been into writing (letters and emails) for years now, most notably since my undergrad college years, so that isn't a new behavior for me. What I don't understand is, how has text messaging and emails become more of a cultural norm these days than talking to someone on the phone? I realize there are some pros to text messages....if you need to ask someone a question, but don't want to bother them, it's more convenient to write a quick message or tell someone "hello". Even say something funny to make the other person laugh. But how much is TOO much? Must we text for EVERYTHING?The other day I was riding on the train and as I looked around, there were at least two or three people in front of me who appeared to be typing out text messages.

Does this form of communication help or hinder us in relationships? Is it a complement to an already meaningful relationship or has it become an unhealthy supplement of "false" connection between two people? Is having a conversation becoming a lost art to "chatting"? Why don't we talk to each other anymore? Even a majority of businesses have robotic voice options when you're trying to reach a human being through "customer service." I don't know about you, but how many times have you gone through the myriad of "press 1 for this, 2 for that" only to say to yourself aloud, "Can I talk to a person?!" Funnier still is that in an age where even children and teenagers tend to have their own cell phone, how many people across the board of different age groups are having conversations on the phone? Again, most times when I am sitting on the bus or train and have the "pleasure" of listening to someone gab, gab, gab on their cell phone, it sounds more like noise pollution to the passengers around the person than something worthwhile.

Yes, I suppose text messages and emails are "better than nothing," a little extra something to maintain a certain degree of "connecting" with each other, however, maybe we need to set our standards higher and put more effort into our communication patterns for the sake of a particular relationship. Just because we live in a society of morphing cultural norms doesn't mean we need to totally morph ourselves with it.

Without seeing and hearing each other through the visual and auditory senses, we are missing out on those wonderful things you can't get in an email or a text message: hearing the person laugh and/or their mood , their nonverbal behavior, their VOICE that makes them unique from a lifeless text message or impersonal email. This is especially true in the dating scene. In this particular situation, it is easy for two people to get mixed signals from one another. It can be confusing enough to figure out "does this person really like me, especially to continue dating me?" without adding in the element of texting to the mix. There has been more than one occasion in which I have wondered if texting was an easy way to not cut off contact with someone completely. You could still be "nice" and yet remain distant enough to be "safe" by sending a text here or there. Type out a sentence and hit 'send.' A one minute emotional and mental "investment" or a cop-out?

We only get as much back as we are putting in to a relationship. Sure, we might have lots of quantity, but what about quality? Are we sacrificing connection for instant gratification? There are very few people I know who don't seem to fall prey to this kind of phenomenon, my close friend Rajiv being one of them. I think one of the many things I love so much about him is that he prefers to talk and or see me rather than email and text. I hardly ever send him an email or a text and I can't remember the last time I received any from him either! Speaking as someone who has admitted to a certain degree of internet/text addiction, I'm not sure where to go from here, but I think the first step is awareness. I can only hope to take my friend's lead and become less dependent on the computer age to build and sustain the relationships in my life.