Book review on "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck" (9/4/17)

This book arrived in my life at just the right moment. Originally, I was a bit hesitant based on the title. I'm glad I didn't give in to judging a book by its cover because this book did not disappoint in the slightest. Once you keep laughing and get past all the blunt F bombs more so in the beginning (which only adds to its humor and charm), "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck worms its way into your psyche if you allow your heart and soul to go down the rabbit hole with Mark Manson.

It's part hero's journey, part helpful suggestions, and part (non-bullshitty type) self-help insights on life drawn from psychology, philosophy, and a mindful stance of "not giving a fuck" (ie, choosing what to give a fuck about and more so what NOT to give a fuck about in the overall scheme of things). It's nothing that I don't already know on some level, but it's his delivery and particularly the way he integrates it all that drew me in. This book is like a wake up call when you need a swift kick in the ass in your life.

I also strongly identified with his life changing event that he mentions towards the end of the book: how a close friend of his suddenly and unexpectedly died and how that then redefined him as "before" and "after." While it can profoundly transform a person, tragic events don't have to happen for us to alter our perceptions, the choices we make, and the way we live. It can happen right now. Mark Manson emphasizes that we all have choices and we will always have problems. A problem free life is boring, unavoidable, and leaves no room for growth. It's about choosing the good problems to have that will lead us on a journey of meaning and fulfillment, even in the midst of pain.

Halfway through the book, I was curious how other readers on Goodreads felt about this book. Not surprisingly, there were people that either loved or hated this book. If you're wanting a book that will make you feel good about your sense of self, your life choices, and let you know that you're an exceptional/special person....well, this isn't the book for you. And this is why I fucking loved it. Refreshing, honest, emotionally intelligent, thought-provoking, and real....this is something severely lacking in society these days. Everyone needs to read this book, especially in the United States of Entitlement. Perhaps the best book I've devoured in less than two days in years.

Read. This. Fucking Book. And if you don't, well....I just don't give a fuck. You're missing out.

Interview with a high school student

Last week a good friend of mine (a high school English teacher) asked me if I would be willing to help out one of her students by allowing the young girl to interview me for a research paper assignment on a career path she is interested in pursuing (counseling, possibly in drug and alcohol addiction). Never having been interviewed before other than for job interviews, it was an interesting experience. I had much more to say than I would have thought...and I could have said even more. Here's my one hour of professional "fame:"

How long have you been in this career?

I started my first job working with heroin addicts at a methadone clinic in Chicago, IL in June 2005. I worked there until March 2008. I moved to Washington at that time and got a job working at a community mental health agency that provides counseling and case management services to low income individuals who struggle with mental health and/or chemical dependency, which is where I still currently work (I mainly do mental health counseling now, but I have several clients that struggle with addiction as well/are in recovery so I still do some addiction/recovery counseling as part of my work).

What education did you need/have to take?

Well, I'm not sure how to answer this question because it really varies depending on whether you want to pursue something very specialized (such as to specifically do chemical dependency counseling only) or if you aren't sure yet and want to see what's out there. If you are wanting to do work in chemical dependency, more than likely you will need at least a BA degree in social services and most places will require a MA in Substance Abuse/Chemical Dependency. In the state of WA you may be able to complete a certificate program to be a chemical dependency counselor without having to obtain a master's degree. Regardless of whether you decide to pursue a master's degree or a certificate program, you will need to study and pass a licensing exam so that you can do that kind of counseling/apply for jobs in the chemical dependency field. It's important to note too that the requirements can vary depending on the state. Unfortunately, the requirements to practice (nor the educational requirements) are not exactly the same in every state....so if you think you'd like to move out of state one day, keep this in mind for your career choices.

What college did you go to?

I got my BA in Psychology at Texas State University for undergrad and got my MA degree in Marriage and Family Therapy at the Adler School of Professional Psychology in Chicago, IL.

Why did you pick this profession?

I was always a "helper" when I was younger, but there were a few experiences that started steering me more in that direction when I reached high school and then college. I took a psychology class my senior year of high school and was intrigued by the subject matter...what makes people tick, why they do what they do...and how it's tied into how they make sense (or not) of their experience in the world. Then in college I took a sociology class (I think it was called "Love, Romance, and Marriage" or something like that). We had a marriage and family counselor come to the class one day as a speaker to talk to us about her job as a therapist. That's when I started thinking it sounded like something I could see myself doing. I was always trying to figure out the relationship dynamics in my family and if it was possible for people to be happy and healthier in relationships. After I graduated college, I searched online for graduate schools and came across the Adler School. I saw they offered an MFT program and I made my decision. Although I don't do marriage and family counseling with that degree, I love being a therapist. I love being a part of people's journey...helping them with their struggles and being a part of their healing process/personal growth.

What are your hours?

As I work in an agency setting, I work 9am-5pm Monday through Friday.

What would you recommend to another future therapist for their hours to be?

It really just depends on whether you plan on working for yourself (in a private practice) or if you'll be working for someone else (agency/company). There's more flexibility if you have your own private practice, although you may not be guaranteed financial security/stability if you have to find clients on your own.

Do you have vacation time? If so, how much vacation time do you take throughout the year and how do you separate the vacation time?

Yes. I try to space out my vacation time evenly throughout the year, typically every 2-3 months. I try to take some vacation time with holiday time that way I can give myself a longer vacation without using all my 'vacation' days, especially during the winter months. The longer I've been in the profession, the more I'm aware of how long I can go before reaching "burn out" phase...which is why I like to take time off for myself every 2-3 months, usually 4-5 days (including weekends that I already have off).

What is your salary range?

$30,000-40,000

Has your salary increased or decreased through the years?

Increased, although not enough. Good thing I'm not in it for the money. :)

Do you have any physical/emotional stress? If so, how do you deal with the stress so that you don't take none of your patients' problems?

Physical/emotional stress from the job or my own stress? There's always a fluctuating level of both personal and work related stress that I constantly have to be aware of and keep in check. It was very hard when I first started my career as I had to learn how to manage stress and wasn't very balanced about it. I've definitely cultivated a much more balanced approach now that I've been a therapist for over 8 years now. It depends on whether the stress is physical or emotional. If it's physical, I make sure to eat healthy, exercise, consistently get enough sleep, and if I don't feel well most times I will not go to work because I notice I'm not able to be an effective therapist if I'm not well/can't focus on my client due to my own pain/ailments. For awhile I also used to get regular massages (covered by my insurance, so I only had a $20 copay, which was great!) and that helped with both physical and emotional/mental stress. For emotional stress, I ask for help and support if I need it...whether it's talking to or spending time with family or friends or getting extra support with my own therapist. I also remind myself that as much as I enjoy helping people, I cannot make changes for them and can only guide them, give suggestions, feedback,etc. I leave work at work. Rarely do I spend time thinking about work stuff outside of work and rarely do any work paperwork at home. Keeps me sane!

Do you have any coworkers? If so, are they also drug and alcohol counselors too?

Yes, I do have coworkers. There are three other therapists in my office that are part of the counseling "team," but they only do mental health counseling.

How are you evaluated on your job and how you do with your patients?

I have a supervisor that I meet with regularly for 30-60 minutes twice a month. Once a year (around the time of year that I was hired) she completes an evaluation based on my performance for that year, which is largely based on what she observes that I'm doing and/or what I share (about my clients, my workload, issues that come up,etc) during our supervision meetings. I'm evaluated on various aspects of the job....my strengths as well as areas for improvement. As part of the evaluation, goals set for the year are reviewed to see if I've accomplished/completed the listed goals as well as coming up with goals for the new year ahead.

What are the advantages and disadvantages of this job?

This is a great and also hard question to answer. There are alot of complexities to being a therapist, which can be both an advantage and disadvantage....an advantage in that it pushes you out of your comfort zone and can motivate you to always try something new, be creative, and really be present with each unique client that comes to you for help. This can be both scary, anxiety producing, and also interesting. If you like people and like being the person they turn to for help, it can be very rewarding. The cool thing about being a therapist is that I sometimes learn things from my clients and am also constantly pushing myself to grow too.

The disadvantages can be numerous, so you really must have a passion for this kind of work in order for the advantages to outweigh the disadvantages. Disadvantages: Not everyone that comes to you wants help nor is always necessarily ready to be helped/make changes (patience and compassion is essential for the therapist). You can't expect to be appreciated/thanked. The pay isn't great. There's a high risk for burn out and health problems if you don't find balance with self-care and separation between work and personal life. Sometimes you will have things going on in your own life that may make it very hard at times to "give"/help effectively at work and you still have to go to work/do your job even when you have your own problems (again, this is why self-care is a must!). You will see the best in people as well as the worst/dark sides (advantage and disadvantage, depending on what's going on and your perspective on humanity).

What options or other job opportunities has this job opened up for you?

My current job has allowed me to learn and gain significant experience in trauma work as most of my clients have an extensive history of trauma (physical, sexual, and or emotional abuse). I knew almost nothing about mental health disorders (especially PTSD) prior to my current job. My first job working in addictions actually opened up doors as far as helping me get the job I have now as there is an increasing need/demand for chemical dependency counselors. It's easier to find a job if you have experience working in addictions as there aren't enough people trained to do it as there are mental health counselors (at least that was the case when I was looking for a job back in 2008 when I moved to WA).

What are the skills required for this job?

You must be compassionate/have empathy for people, be a great listener, have a thick skin (learn not to take things personally), have healthy professional boundaries, and have a reasonable knowledge/understanding of addiction/mental health (with the help of what you learn in school and doing a clinical internship before you start your first professional job). I'm sure there are more skills but that's all that immediately comes to my mind.

What training did you have to take for job in high school, college, and any other extra thing?

High school and college I took psychology courses to get a basic understanding of psychology and the human mind. Graduate school focused specifically on courses that would help me learn "how to be a therapist." After I got my master's degree I studied and took an exam to get my counseling license. I currently have a license as a mental health counselor ("LMHC) and as part of maintaining my license, I have to complete 34 or 36 credits of continuing education (by attending seminars, workshops,etc) every two years. Chemical dependency counselors have their own licensing requirements. I'm not sure what their requirements are, but you can find them listed on the Washington Department of Health website for details.

Feel first...rationalize later?

I thought it only fair to rave about a book that blew my mind out of the water after having written about one that did little to move me (see last blog entry).

At first glance, this book looked interesting...but I had no idea it would enthrall my intellect as much as it did, particularly in the second and third parts of the book. Ever wonder where our perceptions of "right" and "wrong" come from...really come from? Ever wonder why individuals lean a particular way in regards to politics and religion, specifically the qualities an individual values depending on whether Liberal or Conservative, religious vs. atheist?

This book succinctly explains the foundations of what is known as moral psychology. As an avid reader and someone whom reads a wide range of books on the psychology genre, I was excited to read something original and thought provoking.

What I appreciate most about the book is that it is written from a place of scientific inquiry and curiosity. With an open-minded attitude, Jonathan Haidt takes readers of all walks of life (Liberal, Conservative, religious, and non-religious alike) on a journey to challenge notions of both their own and others' beliefs. Kudos, Haidt. I didn't think that was possible. Haha! In a society inundated with negativity and judgment, "The Righteous Mind" is a breath of fresh air. It pushes aside the emotions and lures in the reader to utilize critical thinking....interestingly, the opposite of what Haidt suggests we humans normally do (ie, "Intuitions Come First, Strategic Reasoning Second").

When asked why something is wrong, people typically respond from their emotional reactions ("I don't know why it's wrong...it just is") and struggle to give logical arguments. Something may be repulsive or disgust you, but is it necessarily wrong? What makes it so? Haidt explains in detail how our minds are comprised of 'riders' and 'elephants' that dictate the intricate complexities of moral psychology. Fascinating!

The chapter on "The Moral Foundations of Politics" gave me many "aha!" moments, things I have wondered about for years and made absolute sense after reading the psychological reasoning/analysis behind liberal vs. conservative mindsets. Haidt discusses the foundations of Care/Harm, Fairness/Cheating, Loyalty/Betrayal, Authority/Subversion, and Sanctity/Degradation. Similarly, "The Hive Switch," "Religion is a Team Sport," and "Can't We All Disagree More Constructively?" provided much food for thought.

 Every American could benefit from reading this book, especially politicians themselves. Just thinking about the paradigm shift that could happen if the majority of this country read this book is blowing my mind. In short, if this book doesn't blow your mind I might think there is something wrong with you. Just kidding.

The psychology of dreams

Dreams have long fascinated me. I remember in my pre to early teen years, I had this recurring dream about being inside of a building (usually a grocery/convenience store and one time it was a car dealership) and knowing that it was about to get robbed. It wasn't a recurring dream in the sense that it was the same exact dream, but more so the same theme/feelings I felt and similiar subjects/scenarios going on. It still piques my curiosity to this day what those dreams were about. If only I had kept a journal and recorded what was going on with me at the time, maybe I could have truly analyzed what those recurring dreams were all about. (They were the only recurring dreams I have had in my lifetime thus far, hence why I wish I could figure out the meaning, haha)

I've been pondering dreams quite a bit in the past few weeks, particularly after having a dream about a friend of mine. There were actually several random people (including a few other friends) in the dream, but what stood out to me was my friend Scott. In "real" life he has short hair and is pretty much a tshirt and jeans kinda guy. In this particular dream, he had long bushy spiral curled hair that extended down to his waist. He had 60's style/psychedelic spectacles on and looked like a hippie character out of the movie "Almost Famous." In the dream I remember thinking, "Is that Scott?! That guy doesn't look like Scott....but I know it's him because I recognize his face is the same." The only thing that would make that moment more perfect is if I could somehow photograph the 'scene.' How awesome would it be to be able to actually record our dreams (whether as a 'movie' or a photograph)?! Who knows, the way technology is progressing....maybe one day it will be a reality!

I told my friend about this dream and from there a conversation ensued about the unique aspects of dreams. Dreams that later give you those deja vu moments in waking life....dreaming from different angles/perspectives (like flying in dreams, dreaming in first person vs. third person, or dreaming from the perspective of an animal).

Before learning more about the intricacies of dreams in some of my grad school classes, I had not realized just how many possibilities there are for what a dream can actually 'look like.' For instance, some people are more apt to dream in black and white (particularly those serving in the military or people who have to tendency to think in a linear fashion) than color. Then there are those who dream in a language different from their waking life.

It also didn't occur to me until now that not everyone dreams from the first person. I've never seen myself in a dream because I'm either there "participating" in the dream (feeling like the dream is actually 'real life') or it feels like I'm watching scenes from a movie with other people in my dream in which I'm not "there." It makes me wonder how many people dream from the third person. What's that like?

Opening Up (book review)

Working in the counseling profession, I wanted to learn/educate myself on the topic of open relationships (something I knew hardly anything about), so I decided to read "Opening Up: Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships" by Tristan Taormino.

While it was challenging for me to wrap my head around some of the complex issues connected to the subject of open relationships, I found this book to be articulately well-written and informative. I learned quite a bit and it challenged me to examine negative assumptions (based on my ignorance) I previously held about this particular subject. I still don't understand it completely, but this book helped me to know what it entails and how to help others (such as my clients) explore if it is a lifestyle they wish to pursue for themselves.

Totally recommend this book to clinicians in the counseling field, as well as the everyday person who wants (or is curious about) open relationships. Having an open mind, however, is essential to reading this book. Prepare for your preconceived cultural perceptions of monogamy vs. nonmonogamy to be questioned, maybe even shattered...

The value of a dollar

When I was a kid, I remember hearing adults talk about those who "don't know the value of a dollar." Fortunately, they weren't referring to me. The first born daughter of New England parents who had a strong "Protestant work ethic," I learned early on that things aren't just handed to me on a silver platter for the taking. Sometimes I remember wishing for that silver platter, that my life would have been so much easier...especially in my teens.

When I was 15, my first unofficial job (I got paid under the table) was making Blizzards, taking orders, and cleaning the dining area of the Dairy Queen with my (now ex) stepmother's family in Cherokee, North Carolina over the summer. Shortly after my 16th birthday, my mom practically pushed me out the door to get a part-time job. While my friends were having fun at a party on a Friday night, I was making Subway sandwiches and mopping the sticky floors to oldies tunes blasting from the speakers. A succession of customer service jobs ensued over the years, sometimes paying me so little that I had to work two jobs so I could pay my bills. I also had to get loans while in college and grad school, all the while wishing my parents could have helped me if only they were more financially secure themselves.

Having many bills and loans to pay back certainly isn't fun, but I have to say all these experiences have certainly taught me the value of a dollar. For one thing, no matter how stressed, embarrassed, or sad I feel about my financial situation not being what would make my life most comfortable (yet)....I am always taken care of in the overall scheme of things. If I really want something (within reason), I find a creative (or in some cases, practical) approach to help me get there. I see some people piss away money like it grows on trees (the same people who pay for expensive things they never use?), as if it's paper...which, it is...but lately I find that the more money I put into something, the more value I place on it. The quality of the product or experience changes in my mind's eye. It motivates me and pushes me beyond my comfort zone. And that, to me, is priceless.

The psychology of impressions

It is said that you never get a second chance to make a first impression. But don't you get a chance to make fluctuating impressions? I have been thinking about this today.

While first impressions can definitely hold considerable influence, how often does the image we present (a la 'the first impression') truly reflect who we are deep down? Think about the different kinds of impressions we can possibly make through our interactions with others in a given day: on a job interview, on a date, with family and friends, with colleagues, and with strangers in any number of social scenarios. That's a helluva lot of impressions (!), and I would venture to say that they will not all be the same.

It's not a good or bad thing, it just depends on the context of the situation. Perhaps it also depends on our body language/nonverbal communication (which, if you didn't know actually accounts for 75% of what we communicate to others!), as well as taking into account our comfort level, personality (introvert vs. extrovert), and personal psychological history (my PC way of saying our 'issues,' challenges, insecurities,etc...hahaha). Then there's the factor of whether one is genuine and open, or distrustful, superficial. Or whether the person you meet (and vice versa) reminds you of someone else you've known, for good or bad. It's no wonder we question how well we really know someone.

With so much mis-communication going on in the efforts to express ourselves and leave any kind of 'impression,' in retrospect we sometimes sabotage ourselves from demonstrating the best impressions. When this occurs, we attract what we didn't want or not attract what we truly DO want...especially in regard to important relationships. What impression, or vibe, are we giving off?

For me personally, there have been people I have met whom I liked right away without any logical reason to explain it. Maybe those were the individuals that gave off a likeable aura of genuineness, kindness, and confidence within themselves.

Then there are those who I have not liked at first because they seemed guarded, rude, uninterested,etc. Time will go by, and one day they show me a different side.....the impression has fluctuated, and it drives me with a deep curiosity to get to know them more to find out which impression is the most representative of the person.

I've also experienced people who are the most complex of all, for these interesting characters fall somewhere in the middle. For example, one guy I know was very kind and attentive when I first met him. A sincere and fairly open person, over time became flaky, aloof and like a chameleon. He can still be kind and is definitely a friendly, likeable person, but there's something I can't pinpoint about the impression he leaves on me. And it's not a good thing. On the other hand, I love it when I don't like someone at first and one day after talking with them about something on a deeper level (or at least one of a certain comfortability), I suddenly respect and like the person. It can be that instantaneous for me. Is that bizarre?! Is it just me that feels this way with people at times? Well, I have never claimed to be normal!

It would be cool if there was a way to discover all the different impressions we give out in various contexts, like an experiment or survey of some sort. It would be interesting to see if overall, impressions from various sources were consistent or contradictory. Once in awhile, someone will tell me the impression they have had of me and it usually just makes me laugh. I've gotten anything from 'shy' to 'distant/guarded,' 'approachable,' 'prissy,' 'sweet,' and 'demure with an edge' (yeah, I don't know about the prissy and demure with an edge ones....both were from people I worked with at one time, hmmm....). My favorite, by far, was from a client I had very briefly at my last counseling job, whom made a comment about me having the a face like "Shirley Temple" (good/angelic) and her belief that surely I had no skeletons in MY closet. HA!!

Surprisingly (or not surprisingly, based on my theory), none of the observed impressions are totally accurate. Sure, there may be some degree of truth in each impression, but not a strong indicator of me overall. I don't think it's because I'm trying to hide anything though; it has to do with context. Interestingly though, these days I find myself acting more or less the same in 90% of situations (the exception being my work environment with counseling and coworkers, as you might understandably imagine why). I wonder if it's due to yet another factor to take into consideration: age. With maturity and wisdom, comes ease. There is less of a tendency to feel self-conscious or to give a shit about how others perceive you. Not to say that you will act badly or in a hostile manner; you're just more liberated and self-aware of who you are as a person.

And what we think and feel about ourselves is the ultimate and only impression that truly matters.