Zone of comfort

The idea of 'comfort' can take different forms:

1. Physical comfort, such as: "This bed is incredibly comfortable. I could lay here for hours."

2. Mental comfort: "I feel comfortable talking to you; I can be myself with you."

3. Emotional comfort: That feeling of ease we have with people in our lives who we can fully express ourselves with...the good, bad, and the idiosyncrasies that distinguish us as unique individuals.

Physical comfort is the easiest to find. Mental comfort can be hard to find, but attainable. If you're really lucky, however, you'll find someone who provides 2-3 out of the 3.

I am reminded of one particular person who is within my zone of comfort, whether we have fun or do absolutely nothing at all.

Tracy and I go way back....well, 'way back' for me anyway: high school. Having moved around quite a bit throughout my lifetime, there are few friends I have known and been close to for longer than my college years.

Most of my close friends have only been around for 2 to 8 years. This may seem like a wide range of time for a long term quality friendship. Compared to how long I have known Tracy, however, it's a stark contrast. We have known each other almost 14 years.

We were in choir together. Worked at Randall's together. Hung out with the same crowd of friends. We have been there through hard times for each other. Know one another's dark secrets, strengths, and vulnerabilities. She knows more about my family than my other friends and I know quite a bit about hers. We sent each other cards and gifts when we lived far away. Visited her in college. Stood up for her in her wedding. Visited her when she lived in Portland and Omaha. And now....here we are, living near each other again after 14 years. I am beyond joyful. It's a bit surreal.

We spent today talking and laughing in her parent's living room. I had not seen her parents since her wedding 7 years ago and yet, it was as if it was just last week. Her parents are like my second family, and she like the sister I always wished I had when I was younger.

I'm not sure if it's partially because I've known her for half my lifetime (thus far); maybe there's a zone of comfort in that. She knows the high school me, the college me, the Chicago me, and the present Seattle me. She's seen different facets of me over the years, I guess is what I'm trying to say.

On my way home tonight, we (Tracy, Justin and I) were talking about who we were back in high school as opposed to now. Aside from the degree of our impulsivities, we reflected on the fact that we aren't that much different (essentially) now than we were back then...in a good way.

Change is a constant given in life. A true zone of comfort, however, is that which is constant in the midst of change. For me, her name is Tracy.

"K-I-S-S-I-N-G"

Callie received her first kiss from Vinnie, a boy she had been dating for a few weeks. She was 16 years old. They had gone to see a movie and now they were sitting in his car in her driveway. It was a dark and quiet summer night, slight humidity in the air. He opened the car door for her and walked her up to the back door of the house, lingering near the gate. Both nervously anticipated this moment, palms sweaty and heart beating fast. He kissed her and she felt warm and tingly all over, something she had never experienced before...and would never experience again. It was her first kiss and though it wasn't her last, it set the bar for how a first kiss with someone should be.

Two years later, Callie locks eyes with a guy at the grocery store. He has a great smile and a fit body. She can't tell how old he is, but she has a feeling he's older than her. Eye contact and smiles leads to a date. She discovers he is seven years her senior, had been in the military, and tells her he's from Michigan. For their first date, they go see a depressing Sally Field movie. They don't watch much of it though; they are too busy kissing. She is torn. She likes Eric, but he's not the best kisser. Still, she's optimistic that she can 'teach' him to be better and give him a chance. After the movie, they anticipate a romantic dinner at Steak N' Ale. It's Valentine's Day. Too crowded and too hungry, Callie and Eric opt for the lesser romantic ambiance of IHOP. The more he talks, the more socially inappropriate he seems to her. But she tries to be open-minded. After all, she has flaws too. The meal is decent. They head to the car. Smashing Pumpkins' "1979" is playing. He starts to kiss her. Except his idea of kissing involves licking her face. Callie feels like she's a cat in need of a cleaning. Where did this 'man' learn how to kiss? Or rather, has he ever kissed anyone before her? This marked the end of her interest and intrigue with Eric. He stalked her for a few weeks, even though she avoided him at all costs. Callie cringes whenever she hears "1979," which is sad because it's not the Pumpkins' fault.

Callie wasn't even in love with Vinnie or Eric. Nor was she in love with Drew when she kissed him seven years later. What was she thinking when she dated Drew?

When she was 20, she had an unexplainable kind of love thing for her friend Ted. She vaguely remembers kissing him. She had too much alcohol the first time they kissed and her memory is hazy. She remembers they were hanging out at her house after work; her birthday was around the corner. It was the best birthday present she received that week. It was something she wanted and never thought she'd get.

Callie liked winter. It was a season that agreed with her, especially when it came to her luck with guys. It wasn't as if they flocked to her or anything, but winter seemed to give her magical luck in this department. She met Rick through a friend. Even though he was a bit younger than her, Callie found herself very attracted to him. She wasn't sure what it was about him, as he really didn't fit her usual 'type.' Rick wasn't at all bookish, but he liked helping people. And he was kind, a gentleman. They talked, flirted, and laughed alot. She knew nothing would come of their spending time together; he didn't even live in the same zip code, the same state. But Callie wanted to kiss him. She kept trying to give him hints. Guys are rarely good with the hints though, so they drank more beer and she kept thinking hopeful thoughts. Early evening turned into late evening, late evening turned into the wee hours of the morning. They were standing in his kitchen and this time it was she that didn't pick up on the hints. And then she saw the magnet suggesting a kiss and kiss, he did. A kiss that blew her out of the kitchen.

Callie meets Adam. She doesn't like him at first, thinks they have absolutely nothing in common. She almost ignored his eagerness to get to know her more. Callie didn't have any particular interest in a guy who was so much younger, he could have been her brother. But he was kind and seemed sincere, maybe even a little lonely. They exchanged letters, what you might call an old fashioned kind of 'courtship' reminiscent of a different era. Even though they were very much opposite in some ways, Callie was drawn to him. She couldn't justify her growing feelings. The stronger her feelings, the more Adam confused the hell out of her. It seemed like he liked her too, but his actions didn't always show it. The first time they met, he gave her a warm hug and bought her a cup of coffee. The second time they met, he bought her a beer. The third time they met, he was about to leave the country. She got her wish, his kiss. Too bad it felt more like a parting gift. Bittersweet.

Callie goes out with the girls for some dancing and drinks. It's not even Christmas, yet she is amused when she spots a guy across the bar...."Santa Clause." Shortly after they make eye contact, Santa approaches Callie and they flirt while his sidekick "Rudolph" checks out Callie's friend, Amy. Callie teases "Santa" for his seasonal getup, laughing and chatting him up. As the hours pass, Callie goes to pay the tab and can't find the cash that had been in her pocket. Freaking out, Callie rechecks her pocket and desperately searches the dancefloor around her. The money is gone. Seeing Callie in distress, "Santa" rescues her by generously offering to pay the $50 bill. Callie is astounded. Perhaps "Santa" does indeed keep track of those who have been naughty and nice, as Callie has just been karmically rewarded. "Santa," "Rudolph," Amy, and Callie decide to go to another bar; they don't want the night to end yet. Callie and "Santa" dance. Callie is wearing his hat, they kiss. And kiss. And kiss. She has never felt so much lust in a kiss as she felt kissing "Santa Clause" that night.

Callie still has the hat.

Are you getting any?

Most people want it, but they're just not getting enough. Some aren't getting it at all. And I'd venture to say that these same individuals have tried everything they can think of to get it.

No, not sex! .....SLEEP!

What's going on?! More and more, I'm hearing various people (from family and friends, to clients I counsel) that they just can't sleep. I feel like I know more people that can't sleep than ones who can. A growing epidemic?

I don't include myself in the insomniac category. Sure, I have nights where I toss and turn....but it's nothing serious that occurs on a regular basis.

It concerns me that something as natural as the biological need for sleep has become a nuisance and a dread rather than a pleasurable and much anticipated 8 hour escape from the daily grind. Sleep plays a crucial role on our overall mental, emotional, and physical well-being. How does a lack of sleep affect one's psyche?

Ok, so I lied about my not having had a sleeping problem. It's not a problem for me now, though it was until fairly recently. I considered it situational, due to my work schedule at my previous counseling job in Chicago. I was waking up at 4am. Horrible, horrible hours! I can definitely say I noticed a difference in how I felt during the almost 3 years I was getting less sleep than I am now.

My memory was not as sharp. I was restless and prone to anxiety/stress more easily. I drank too much coffee to compensate for my sluggish sleep deprivation. I didn't feel as energetic and enthusiastic, the carefree Katie kind of personality people were accustomed to seeing prior to this lack of sleep mode. I also noticed my eating habits weren't the greatest and my desire to exercise had decreased. All in all, the aspect of sleep in my life became detrimental and all-consuming....which is why I can only imagine living with insomnia as a long term lifestyle cannot bear healthy results.

What I'd like to know is: why are so many people experiencing non-sleep symptoms and what can be done to help rectify the issue?

Aside from external reasons (ie, work, not feeling well, distracted by loud noises,etc), does one's mental health play a key role in determining a consistent and appropriate amount of sleep for an individual? In other words, with a little help and awareness of what keeps our mind 'on,' can we eventually discover a successful way to shut it 'off?'

Speak up, insomniacs! I know you're not sleeping, so why not utilize all those restless hours by responding with your own reflections on the subject? :)

Growing up in the 80's: 'Latch Key' and scare tactics

In an email today, a friend of mine mentioned a particular fear he has and I asked him where that fear stems from. He chocked it up to his having been a 'latch key' kid growing up.

For those not familiar with the predominantly 80's coined phrase, 'latch key' kids were those who came home from school to an empty house (hence, they needed a 'key' to get in the house because their parents weren't home) and/or a semi-reliable babysitter to supervise the child while said parents were at work. Sometimes a 'latch key' kid could be an effect of workaholic parents. In most cases, it was the result of single parenthood. In my case, it could have been a little bit of both.

Of course, in 2008 it is not abnormal. The term has likely become obsolete in the face of 'nontraditional' households where it's more abnormal for parents to be home than not. But keep in mind, this was the 1980's. Divorce and blended families were not as commonplace as they are today. Back then, such atypical events could even sometimes be perceived as scandalous, borderline taboo.

I'm not sure the story behind my friend's 'latch key' experience growing up. If it was at all like mine, one thing is for certain. The common denominator was: FEAR. "Don't take any stickers from anyone!" my grandmother would tell me. Why? Well, if you have to lick the back of the sticker for it to work...it just might well be LSD! I think I was 9 or 10 years old when my grandmother used that scare tactic on me.

Then there was the kidnapping craze. I was living in New Hampshire at the time, but I'm pretty sure it was a nationwide 'epidemic.' Kids were seemingly 'snatched up' everywhere you turned (aka, sensationalized on the news). Parents became hyper-vigilant, doing whatever they could to ensure safety. For my mother, it was the 'stranger' book (bless her heart, she meant well). Did anyone else get one of these in the 80's?! This was the scariest book I've ever encountered in my life thus far. I'm not exaggerating whatsoever!

I wish I still had the book now, as a 30 year old woman. It would be funny to see just how 'scary' it is to my 30 year old eyes versus that of a 7 to 9 year old. The front cover of the book is still embedded ever so vividly in my mind. The title escapes me (although I want to say it was something like "Never Talk to Strangers") but here's the cover: A black and white photo of an 8 year old-ish boy with dark hair. He's holding an ice cream cone, in mid lick as he stares back at the reader with a serious, yet unsuspecting look. See what I mean? Creepy.

Within the book were different hypothetical scenarios of the various manipulative tactics evil strangers use (or what we in the psych field like to term 'grooming' which is even more smarmy sounding if you ask me), to lure innocent children into their car and/or far far away from the latch key land that is their home.

One scenario might be little Susie walking home from school. A middle aged man in an Oldsmobile slowly pulls up (always with no one else around, of course) to Susie, whom has a Strawberry Shortcake backpack on her back. His window is down because it's summer and this was before automatic buttons were standard features offered in cars. Middle aged man leans over and says something sweet to little Susie. Somehow, candy always seems to be the luring device. When did kids start acting like mice who salivate at the prospect of sweets? Anyway, so the story goes. You can see where this is going.

I guess it wasn't the bogus scenarios presented in the book that scared me most. It was the mock pictures that freaked me out. I think they even induced some nightmares. I don't know why the pictures bothered me more. Maybe they made the concept more real of a possibility in my youthful imagination.

As if stepping off the school bus, walking home alone and into an empty house isn't scary enough for a young child.....adding scary 'strangers' to the mix just invites a future anxiety disorder for an 80's child!

At what point does a psychoeducational tool like warning your child about the perils of 'evil' people out there or 'bad' stickers do more harm than good? I wonder.

I especially wonder how many other children of the 80's experienced something similar. Do share, but don't scare. :)

Guy OF my dreams? No, just guys IN my dreams.

I woke up this morning remembering a dream about yet another guy (this is the second night in a row) I know. The first dream (the night before last) was of a slightly sexual nature, about a friend of mine. In the dream, he had wanted to sleep with me and I told him I didn't think it was a good idea because we're friends. Apparently, I changed my mind by the end of the dream. Hahaha. I actually told this friend about my dream yesterday and we had a good laugh. This second dream (last night), however, was just as odd. I only remember bits and pieces, so I'll do my best in writing about it here. I was at some kind of social gathering. Wandering around, I glanced behind me and there was my ex-boyfriend Andrew (some of you readers may recall his name from a few of my much older blog entries, where I was angry that I had run into him on my early morning CTA commute in Chicago a few times in the past year....that's who I'm talking about!).

The way I began talking to him in my dream felt SO real, great even! At first I was cordial, not wanting to ruffle any feathers. But within minutes, I became confrontational in almost a combative way. He acted as if we had been pals for years, it having conveniently 'slipped' his mind how disrespectful he has been. It was funny to hear myself call him an asshole in the dream. He was shocked to hear me say anything that a 'bitch' (aka, a woman who speaks her mind!) might say. Surely Katie is too 'nice' for that. Ha. Anyway, I reminded him of the times he simply ignored me on the bus and didn't even say 'hi,' as if I was a total stranger he didn't even know, date, etc. At first, he got defensive. But then he realized those (and other things) were jackass-like actions. I should have known I was dreaming, as this never would happen in 'real life.' hahaha

I've noticed between these dreams and what's been going on with certain challenges in my life this past week....there is a common thread: speaking my mind, asserting myself. While I have grown more comfortable with honesty and standing up for myself/expressing how I feel about someone or a situation in an appropriate way, it can still provoke anxiety. You don't know what will happen if you choose to really let it all out with what you need to say, hence the anxiety and risk. Yesterday I had to be completely honest with my supervisor about something and while the problem hasn't gone away, I feel better having her know where I'm coming from. What she chooses to do with the revelation is up to her, just as it is with the guys IN my dreams. :)

The psychology of impressions

It is said that you never get a second chance to make a first impression. But don't you get a chance to make fluctuating impressions? I have been thinking about this today.

While first impressions can definitely hold considerable influence, how often does the image we present (a la 'the first impression') truly reflect who we are deep down? Think about the different kinds of impressions we can possibly make through our interactions with others in a given day: on a job interview, on a date, with family and friends, with colleagues, and with strangers in any number of social scenarios. That's a helluva lot of impressions (!), and I would venture to say that they will not all be the same.

It's not a good or bad thing, it just depends on the context of the situation. Perhaps it also depends on our body language/nonverbal communication (which, if you didn't know actually accounts for 75% of what we communicate to others!), as well as taking into account our comfort level, personality (introvert vs. extrovert), and personal psychological history (my PC way of saying our 'issues,' challenges, insecurities,etc...hahaha). Then there's the factor of whether one is genuine and open, or distrustful, superficial. Or whether the person you meet (and vice versa) reminds you of someone else you've known, for good or bad. It's no wonder we question how well we really know someone.

With so much mis-communication going on in the efforts to express ourselves and leave any kind of 'impression,' in retrospect we sometimes sabotage ourselves from demonstrating the best impressions. When this occurs, we attract what we didn't want or not attract what we truly DO want...especially in regard to important relationships. What impression, or vibe, are we giving off?

For me personally, there have been people I have met whom I liked right away without any logical reason to explain it. Maybe those were the individuals that gave off a likeable aura of genuineness, kindness, and confidence within themselves.

Then there are those who I have not liked at first because they seemed guarded, rude, uninterested,etc. Time will go by, and one day they show me a different side.....the impression has fluctuated, and it drives me with a deep curiosity to get to know them more to find out which impression is the most representative of the person.

I've also experienced people who are the most complex of all, for these interesting characters fall somewhere in the middle. For example, one guy I know was very kind and attentive when I first met him. A sincere and fairly open person, over time became flaky, aloof and like a chameleon. He can still be kind and is definitely a friendly, likeable person, but there's something I can't pinpoint about the impression he leaves on me. And it's not a good thing. On the other hand, I love it when I don't like someone at first and one day after talking with them about something on a deeper level (or at least one of a certain comfortability), I suddenly respect and like the person. It can be that instantaneous for me. Is that bizarre?! Is it just me that feels this way with people at times? Well, I have never claimed to be normal!

It would be cool if there was a way to discover all the different impressions we give out in various contexts, like an experiment or survey of some sort. It would be interesting to see if overall, impressions from various sources were consistent or contradictory. Once in awhile, someone will tell me the impression they have had of me and it usually just makes me laugh. I've gotten anything from 'shy' to 'distant/guarded,' 'approachable,' 'prissy,' 'sweet,' and 'demure with an edge' (yeah, I don't know about the prissy and demure with an edge ones....both were from people I worked with at one time, hmmm....). My favorite, by far, was from a client I had very briefly at my last counseling job, whom made a comment about me having the a face like "Shirley Temple" (good/angelic) and her belief that surely I had no skeletons in MY closet. HA!!

Surprisingly (or not surprisingly, based on my theory), none of the observed impressions are totally accurate. Sure, there may be some degree of truth in each impression, but not a strong indicator of me overall. I don't think it's because I'm trying to hide anything though; it has to do with context. Interestingly though, these days I find myself acting more or less the same in 90% of situations (the exception being my work environment with counseling and coworkers, as you might understandably imagine why). I wonder if it's due to yet another factor to take into consideration: age. With maturity and wisdom, comes ease. There is less of a tendency to feel self-conscious or to give a shit about how others perceive you. Not to say that you will act badly or in a hostile manner; you're just more liberated and self-aware of who you are as a person.

And what we think and feel about ourselves is the ultimate and only impression that truly matters.

Am I meant to be a therapist 'forever?'

I have been thinking about this off and on the past 24 hours. In an IM conversation with a friend last night, I was telling him how I don't think I could be a therapist for the rest of my life because I don't think I have the patience for it. Today, however, I realized it's not about an issue of patience. It's about an issue of independence, not to mention the time and energy for 'me' time.

I made somewhat of a spontaneous decision/goal for myself today and in a weird way, it gave me a sense of reassurance. Having just finished my SECOND day of my new counseling job, I already feel inundated with information and responsibilities, overwhelmed by the magnitude of this new role assigned to me. I know it's partially because I'm new and have SO much to learn as far as the computer program, daily operations, and learning all the requirements of caseload management. I realize alot of my anxiety will subside once I get in the swing of knowing what the hell I'm doing, but what if the bogged down feeling never goes away?

Agencies seem to be notorious for giving you more than you can reasonably (sanity wise) handle....because they can. It's like working at the bottom rung of a ladder: you don't have much power to be selective. You're forced to take what they give you and hope you don't fall prey to burnout. You know it's bad when you wish you could clone yourself, just so you can feel a relief that everything you need to do will get done.

See, being a therapist at an agency isn't just counseling. People typically tend to perceive counseling in the stereotypical ways portrayed in tv shows and movies. Scenes of therapists who have their own private practice office with posh couches where the client easily and effortlessly vents about their problems as the therapist (who is usually wearing glasses, I guess to look 'scholarly?') says some cliche' phrase whilst pensively waiting for the client to have some kind of insightful moment/say something pivotal. Ha! I wish it were that easy and simple sometimes!

What people don't know and/or understand is that there's case management bullshit that comes along with the job. Plus, the clientele aren't always the cream of the therapist's dream crop. They too are usually at the bottom rung of the ladder. I've learned that the saying 'you get what you pay for' couldn't be more true......

which is why I've decided that I am giving myself 2-3 years to figure out a clever way to get myself a job working independently (once I'm licensed, I plan on researching this top to bottom!) in a private practice setting.

If I do not, I have determined that I will reconsider my career path. Shocking? Not to me. Why? Because there is more to life than identifying myself with my work and I refuse to become a burnt out slave with no life outside of work (aka, a cranky and unhappy human being) and/or too exhausted to do anything but work. And I see that being a possibility if I don't somehow get the hell out of the agency arena.

I'm not sure what else I could do for work. I enjoy writing, but I don't know how I could turn that into a career...unless I became a journalist or write a book. Hmmm, any suggestions?

On a positive note, I do like the other therapists at work. It's weird to go from working independently (like at my last job) with my own office to a group setting of sharing one big office with 6 or 7 other therapists), but it is nice to have other therapists to talk to nearby. They (along with the receptionist) have been very kind and helpful with all my slightly frazzled questions and seem interested in wanting to get to know me too, which has been comforting.

I have my first session tomorrow. I'll be curious to see how it goes and as time goes on, how the clientele at this agency compare/contrast to those I worked with at my previous job (if they will be easier to work with, more difficult, or about the same). This factor may also influence how much I will enjoy this job.

When I found myself starting to get stressed out today (about all the shit I have yet to get done), I reassured myself that I am only one person and certain things take priority over others. Whatever I won't do today, will be there waiting for me on my desk tomorrow. Because it stays there. I don't take work home with me and I will not make it a habit of staying later than 5:00.

And that's the way it's gonna be. :)