Currently Reading/Watching

Books I'm currently reading:

"Notes on a Foreign Country: An American Abroad in a Post-American World" by Suzy Hansen. Curious to hear her non-US-centric perspective.

The new "Leonardo da Vinci" by Walter Issacson. Leo keeps popping up in my life lately as I look for some inspiration and a muse for more creativity in my life. Plus, he's just brilliant. I wish I could have known him. And I'd love to soak up all the knowledge I can since I most likely will be traveling to Italy in June 2018. !!!

Interesting shows, documentaries, and movies I've watched/am watching in the past month:

Binge watched "Handmaid's Tale" a few weeks ago. Super disturbing and essential show for women to watch. Very well done show.

Anthony Bourdain's "Parts Unknown"on Netflix to inspire my wanderlust for travel and food :)

Ken Burn's new 10 part documentary "The Vietnam War" via Amazon Prime. Quite extensive in length and footage. I am blown away by all I'm learning  (D and I have watched 5 out of 10 episodes thus far). It's so great to see Marine veterans talking about their harrowing and mentally as well as emotionally traumatic experiences as well as their conflicting thoughts about the nuances of this decade long war...even though the intensity of this documentary is hard to watch and hear at times. And LBJ...what a stubborn egotistical asshole. Highly recommend this documentary.

Just started "Mr. Robot" last night at the recommendation of my brother and mom. Enjoying the weirdness so far two episodes in.

David Cronenberg's "Scanners." One of the creepiest movies I've seen in years. I thought I was going to have nightmares last night. Not sure what to think of this one.

Retrain the brain

The running theme for me this year: Re-train your brain. It's been challenging at times, but it has served me well and has reinforced my belief that the mind can facilitate a powerful process as well as  a powerful outcome with an adequate dose of self-discipline and curiosity.

The big one for me started just a few days before the new year of 2017. I had seen a friend post on social media here and there about this thing she was doing called Whole 30. The photos she would post of her meals looked delicious and healthy. I became curious to learn what this was all about, so with my Barnes and Noble gift cards in tow I scooped up "It Starts With Food" and a Whole 30 cookbook. I read the former within a few days time and impulsively made a decision to commit to 30 days of gluten-free, dairy-free, legume-free, corn-free, alcohol-free, and sugar-free (sans fruit) for 30 days in the month of January.

I mainly wanted to see if I could do it and if I would feel differently on a whole foods diet. It sounds silly, but it was definitely one of the hardest things I've ever done. It required a self-discipline on a more challenging level as I had to constantly be aware of the foods I was picking and if I bought something that was already made I had to check the ingredient labels....and boy, was I surprised to see sugar in SO many products. No wonder we have an obesity crisis in the US. I had to learn to cook different foods. I had to get through some tough food cravings (including referring to my "relapse prevention"reminder list, especially every Friday...my "trigger" night of the week). Most importantly, I had to retrain my brain regarding my relationship with food.

And yes, I did make it the whole 30 days, plus the extra days of gradually reintroducing all the things I went without for that month. While I definitely don't want to eat this way as a lifestyle every day for every meal, I've incorporated it into healthier food habits and have continued to make Whole 30 meals more often than not since the beginning of this year. I also do something I never used to do before....I may eat something unhealthy, but only a little bit of it and then throw the rest away. Novel concept for this gal. I've retrained my brain to be mindful that I don't have to feel guilty about not finishing food and I also don't need to eat until I feel too full...only until I'm satiated. (Now if I could just retrain my brain to not crave chocolate so much...)

The other big conscious decision that I slowly eased into this year? Retraining my brain regarding my miserable anxiety laden relationship with my "smart" phone.I'm starting to think that calling our phones "smart" only makes us more dumb. Until the tech empire changes its mindset though, I need to change mine. Over the past year or two, Facebook and I have grown apart. Facebook became too self-absorbed, leaving me feeling incredibly disconnected. It started to feel like an abusive relationship in that the relationship isolates you from everyone else in your life and one day you wake up realizing you have no one else because you're so controlled by the relationship. Facebook was my abuser and I prepared myself to leave. Like so many victims of abuse, it took some time to figure out how I was going to leave, when I was going to leave, and uncertainty as to whether I would go back only to leave again. I would leave for a week or two here and there, but it's only been since September that I've been separated from Facebook this long: almost 2 months. 

It felt strange at first, but I feel like I'm getting the real me back. Every day I look around me and see so many people chained to their "smart" phone. I feel sad and angry when I see this as I wonder how much they are missing what is going on around them as well as within due to their technological addictions....beauty, real humans in front of them, their own minds. During my "detox" from my unhealthy relationship with Facebook and by extension my phone, my anxiety decreased dramatically and my ability to be in the moment increased substantially. I've been reading more books (if that's even insanely possible for me), thinking and reflecting more, and even starting to get my motivation and drive back for writing (something I haven't done in 3-4 years, except the occasional book review). 

If you want a more fulfilling and/or better quality of life, ask yourself what is most important and most helpful for creating a healthier, happier, more meaningful life for yourself. Then retrain your brain with some mental gymnastics and some gentle/mental stretching. I promise you it is worth the initial struggle. 

Book review of "A Fearless Heart" (7/30/17)

I recently heard this book referenced by Jack Kornfield in an interview/training done by Psychotherapy Networker. Jack Kornfield was talking about how the main ingredient in psychotherapy is love/compassion. I got to pondering and reflecting on this more, thus I decided to read this book as well. Most of the things mentioned in the book I already knew due to my lifelong curiosity and love for the tenets of Buddhism as well as my interest in the increasingly popular theory on how self-compassion can positively transform one's life (specifically Kristin Neff's "Self-Compassion" I have recommended to many of my clients struggling with extreme self-judgment). This book was a refreshing and comforting reminder of why Buddhism has always been a nurturing comfort to me, especially when it comes to suffering personally and the collective suffering of humanity. I also liked how this book gave different exercises one can try to combine deep breathing with meditation.

My favorite thing about this book overall that I hope to be my new mantra (especially in this polarized society we're currently living in) is The Four Immeasurables Prayer:

May all beings attain happiness and its causes.
May all beings be free from suffering and its causes.
May all beings never be separated from joy that is free of misery.
May all beings abide in equanimity, free from bias of attachment and aversion.

Book review on "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck" (9/4/17)

This book arrived in my life at just the right moment. Originally, I was a bit hesitant based on the title. I'm glad I didn't give in to judging a book by its cover because this book did not disappoint in the slightest. Once you keep laughing and get past all the blunt F bombs more so in the beginning (which only adds to its humor and charm), "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck worms its way into your psyche if you allow your heart and soul to go down the rabbit hole with Mark Manson.

It's part hero's journey, part helpful suggestions, and part (non-bullshitty type) self-help insights on life drawn from psychology, philosophy, and a mindful stance of "not giving a fuck" (ie, choosing what to give a fuck about and more so what NOT to give a fuck about in the overall scheme of things). It's nothing that I don't already know on some level, but it's his delivery and particularly the way he integrates it all that drew me in. This book is like a wake up call when you need a swift kick in the ass in your life.

I also strongly identified with his life changing event that he mentions towards the end of the book: how a close friend of his suddenly and unexpectedly died and how that then redefined him as "before" and "after." While it can profoundly transform a person, tragic events don't have to happen for us to alter our perceptions, the choices we make, and the way we live. It can happen right now. Mark Manson emphasizes that we all have choices and we will always have problems. A problem free life is boring, unavoidable, and leaves no room for growth. It's about choosing the good problems to have that will lead us on a journey of meaning and fulfillment, even in the midst of pain.

Halfway through the book, I was curious how other readers on Goodreads felt about this book. Not surprisingly, there were people that either loved or hated this book. If you're wanting a book that will make you feel good about your sense of self, your life choices, and let you know that you're an exceptional/special person....well, this isn't the book for you. And this is why I fucking loved it. Refreshing, honest, emotionally intelligent, thought-provoking, and real....this is something severely lacking in society these days. Everyone needs to read this book, especially in the United States of Entitlement. Perhaps the best book I've devoured in less than two days in years.

Read. This. Fucking Book. And if you don't, well....I just don't give a fuck. You're missing out.

The best "teachers"

Sometimes the best "teachers" in life are those individuals that challenge and remind you of your integrity, kindness, and compassion in the face of their lack of humanity. Resentment, nasty criticism, and self-righteousness make for the perfect cocktail of the ego's dark side. I've never really understood why people hold on ever so tightly to resentment when it's counterproductive to their own sense of well-being and overall happiness in life. Granted, resentments can pop up for anyone (myself included) at times in life...but what makes a difference is whether you allow them to fester or examine it, work through it...and let it go, for your own sanity and well-being above all else. It's just not worth it. Yet so many are stuck in their ego (being "right" or "better than" another infallible human being). For the person on the receiving end of a "grudge" or a resentment that cannot or will not be forgiven, this can trigger uncomfortable and unpleasant feelings. One may feel angry, guilty, unworthy, maybe even "attacked." Depending on experiences you've gone through in life and grown from (or not), you can choose to take it personally or move forward (preferably without those toxic people and situations).

I got to thinking about this "perfect cocktail" tonight as I reflected on how that truly has been the theme of the day. Maybe there's a lesson in there for me. I had a client talking at length about anger and resentment he harbors against a family member. He acknowledges that she may never change but has been unable to let go of it, so much so that his resentment triggers self-destructive behaviors and sometimes leads to a drinking relapse. His resentment hurts him more than it hurts the family member.

Interestingly, I was on the receiving end of some nasty criticism and resentment tonight. Last night I had emailed someone from my past that I had not communicated with in quite some time. I won't go into the specifics here because it's too personal to blog about, but basically the only reason I contacted this person was to let him know about a friend's death. I felt compelled to let him know because if it wasn't for him, I never would have known this friend who was such a huge, loving presence in my life. My email was well-written, informative and to the point. Nothing was brought up about the past. I even expressed gratitude for having met my friend because of him. I was pleased with what I expressed.

The response I received, however, was completely opposite. It was fraught with resentments from the past, fueled by his judgments of both myself and my friend with an incredibly self-righteous demeaning tone. Even in light of my friend's death, this individual still chose to hold on tightly to his ego and discard any sense of humanity. Some people just never learn. Some people would rather be assholes and say or act somewhat abusively to puff up their own sense of "power" than be kind, forgiving, and compassionate. I've encountered this same M.O. from a few other individuals over the years and while in the past I felt very emotionally wounded by this kind of viciousness (for lack of a better description or interpretation), I quickly bounced back from this particular incident tonight. I was shocked and slightly upset by the unexpected harsh words for a short time, but in the overall scheme of things I chose to not take it personally nor embrace his words as truth or reality.

This is is what I have learned from the best unkind "teachers:" Life is too short to hold onto the bullshit. I don't know about you, but I'd rather hold onto the good: kindness, love, compassion, gratitude, peace, and self-acceptance.

With that said, I'd like to make a shout-out to all the assholes that have been a part of my life. Thank you very much for teaching me to not be like you.

Interview with a high school student

Last week a good friend of mine (a high school English teacher) asked me if I would be willing to help out one of her students by allowing the young girl to interview me for a research paper assignment on a career path she is interested in pursuing (counseling, possibly in drug and alcohol addiction). Never having been interviewed before other than for job interviews, it was an interesting experience. I had much more to say than I would have thought...and I could have said even more. Here's my one hour of professional "fame:"

How long have you been in this career?

I started my first job working with heroin addicts at a methadone clinic in Chicago, IL in June 2005. I worked there until March 2008. I moved to Washington at that time and got a job working at a community mental health agency that provides counseling and case management services to low income individuals who struggle with mental health and/or chemical dependency, which is where I still currently work (I mainly do mental health counseling now, but I have several clients that struggle with addiction as well/are in recovery so I still do some addiction/recovery counseling as part of my work).

What education did you need/have to take?

Well, I'm not sure how to answer this question because it really varies depending on whether you want to pursue something very specialized (such as to specifically do chemical dependency counseling only) or if you aren't sure yet and want to see what's out there. If you are wanting to do work in chemical dependency, more than likely you will need at least a BA degree in social services and most places will require a MA in Substance Abuse/Chemical Dependency. In the state of WA you may be able to complete a certificate program to be a chemical dependency counselor without having to obtain a master's degree. Regardless of whether you decide to pursue a master's degree or a certificate program, you will need to study and pass a licensing exam so that you can do that kind of counseling/apply for jobs in the chemical dependency field. It's important to note too that the requirements can vary depending on the state. Unfortunately, the requirements to practice (nor the educational requirements) are not exactly the same in every state....so if you think you'd like to move out of state one day, keep this in mind for your career choices.

What college did you go to?

I got my BA in Psychology at Texas State University for undergrad and got my MA degree in Marriage and Family Therapy at the Adler School of Professional Psychology in Chicago, IL.

Why did you pick this profession?

I was always a "helper" when I was younger, but there were a few experiences that started steering me more in that direction when I reached high school and then college. I took a psychology class my senior year of high school and was intrigued by the subject matter...what makes people tick, why they do what they do...and how it's tied into how they make sense (or not) of their experience in the world. Then in college I took a sociology class (I think it was called "Love, Romance, and Marriage" or something like that). We had a marriage and family counselor come to the class one day as a speaker to talk to us about her job as a therapist. That's when I started thinking it sounded like something I could see myself doing. I was always trying to figure out the relationship dynamics in my family and if it was possible for people to be happy and healthier in relationships. After I graduated college, I searched online for graduate schools and came across the Adler School. I saw they offered an MFT program and I made my decision. Although I don't do marriage and family counseling with that degree, I love being a therapist. I love being a part of people's journey...helping them with their struggles and being a part of their healing process/personal growth.

What are your hours?

As I work in an agency setting, I work 9am-5pm Monday through Friday.

What would you recommend to another future therapist for their hours to be?

It really just depends on whether you plan on working for yourself (in a private practice) or if you'll be working for someone else (agency/company). There's more flexibility if you have your own private practice, although you may not be guaranteed financial security/stability if you have to find clients on your own.

Do you have vacation time? If so, how much vacation time do you take throughout the year and how do you separate the vacation time?

Yes. I try to space out my vacation time evenly throughout the year, typically every 2-3 months. I try to take some vacation time with holiday time that way I can give myself a longer vacation without using all my 'vacation' days, especially during the winter months. The longer I've been in the profession, the more I'm aware of how long I can go before reaching "burn out" phase...which is why I like to take time off for myself every 2-3 months, usually 4-5 days (including weekends that I already have off).

What is your salary range?

$30,000-40,000

Has your salary increased or decreased through the years?

Increased, although not enough. Good thing I'm not in it for the money. :)

Do you have any physical/emotional stress? If so, how do you deal with the stress so that you don't take none of your patients' problems?

Physical/emotional stress from the job or my own stress? There's always a fluctuating level of both personal and work related stress that I constantly have to be aware of and keep in check. It was very hard when I first started my career as I had to learn how to manage stress and wasn't very balanced about it. I've definitely cultivated a much more balanced approach now that I've been a therapist for over 8 years now. It depends on whether the stress is physical or emotional. If it's physical, I make sure to eat healthy, exercise, consistently get enough sleep, and if I don't feel well most times I will not go to work because I notice I'm not able to be an effective therapist if I'm not well/can't focus on my client due to my own pain/ailments. For awhile I also used to get regular massages (covered by my insurance, so I only had a $20 copay, which was great!) and that helped with both physical and emotional/mental stress. For emotional stress, I ask for help and support if I need it...whether it's talking to or spending time with family or friends or getting extra support with my own therapist. I also remind myself that as much as I enjoy helping people, I cannot make changes for them and can only guide them, give suggestions, feedback,etc. I leave work at work. Rarely do I spend time thinking about work stuff outside of work and rarely do any work paperwork at home. Keeps me sane!

Do you have any coworkers? If so, are they also drug and alcohol counselors too?

Yes, I do have coworkers. There are three other therapists in my office that are part of the counseling "team," but they only do mental health counseling.

How are you evaluated on your job and how you do with your patients?

I have a supervisor that I meet with regularly for 30-60 minutes twice a month. Once a year (around the time of year that I was hired) she completes an evaluation based on my performance for that year, which is largely based on what she observes that I'm doing and/or what I share (about my clients, my workload, issues that come up,etc) during our supervision meetings. I'm evaluated on various aspects of the job....my strengths as well as areas for improvement. As part of the evaluation, goals set for the year are reviewed to see if I've accomplished/completed the listed goals as well as coming up with goals for the new year ahead.

What are the advantages and disadvantages of this job?

This is a great and also hard question to answer. There are alot of complexities to being a therapist, which can be both an advantage and disadvantage....an advantage in that it pushes you out of your comfort zone and can motivate you to always try something new, be creative, and really be present with each unique client that comes to you for help. This can be both scary, anxiety producing, and also interesting. If you like people and like being the person they turn to for help, it can be very rewarding. The cool thing about being a therapist is that I sometimes learn things from my clients and am also constantly pushing myself to grow too.

The disadvantages can be numerous, so you really must have a passion for this kind of work in order for the advantages to outweigh the disadvantages. Disadvantages: Not everyone that comes to you wants help nor is always necessarily ready to be helped/make changes (patience and compassion is essential for the therapist). You can't expect to be appreciated/thanked. The pay isn't great. There's a high risk for burn out and health problems if you don't find balance with self-care and separation between work and personal life. Sometimes you will have things going on in your own life that may make it very hard at times to "give"/help effectively at work and you still have to go to work/do your job even when you have your own problems (again, this is why self-care is a must!). You will see the best in people as well as the worst/dark sides (advantage and disadvantage, depending on what's going on and your perspective on humanity).

What options or other job opportunities has this job opened up for you?

My current job has allowed me to learn and gain significant experience in trauma work as most of my clients have an extensive history of trauma (physical, sexual, and or emotional abuse). I knew almost nothing about mental health disorders (especially PTSD) prior to my current job. My first job working in addictions actually opened up doors as far as helping me get the job I have now as there is an increasing need/demand for chemical dependency counselors. It's easier to find a job if you have experience working in addictions as there aren't enough people trained to do it as there are mental health counselors (at least that was the case when I was looking for a job back in 2008 when I moved to WA).

What are the skills required for this job?

You must be compassionate/have empathy for people, be a great listener, have a thick skin (learn not to take things personally), have healthy professional boundaries, and have a reasonable knowledge/understanding of addiction/mental health (with the help of what you learn in school and doing a clinical internship before you start your first professional job). I'm sure there are more skills but that's all that immediately comes to my mind.

What training did you have to take for job in high school, college, and any other extra thing?

High school and college I took psychology courses to get a basic understanding of psychology and the human mind. Graduate school focused specifically on courses that would help me learn "how to be a therapist." After I got my master's degree I studied and took an exam to get my counseling license. I currently have a license as a mental health counselor ("LMHC) and as part of maintaining my license, I have to complete 34 or 36 credits of continuing education (by attending seminars, workshops,etc) every two years. Chemical dependency counselors have their own licensing requirements. I'm not sure what their requirements are, but you can find them listed on the Washington Department of Health website for details.

Book therapy

This book literally moved me to tears on at least a few occasions. Having lost someone as close and dear to me as the author did, I could relate all too well to the magnitude of all encompassing seesaw of emotions and existential questioning that follows. I enjoyed reading how Sankovitch transformed her pain with the healing salve of her most reliable of "saviors:" books. I can wholeheartedly identify with the healing power of books, which has always been my most comforting of friends during not only the best times of my life but also during painful times, lonely times, and times of challenging transitions. Sankovitch takes readers on a one year journey, reading one whole book for each day of the year. As she reads, she also reflects and finds connection that leads her to a place of gratitude, joy, and a sense of purpose.

With that said, I highly recommend this book to everyone (especially bibliophiles) and leave you with the following quotes that really spoke to me:

"For years, books had offered to me a window into how other people deal with life, its sorrows and joys and monotonies and frustrations. I would look there again for empathy, guidance, fellowship, and experience. Books would give me all that, and more."

"The world shifts, and lives change. Without warning or reason, someone who was healthy becomes sick and dies. An onslaught of sorrow, regret, anger, and fear buries those of us left behind. Hopelessness and helplessness follow. But then the world shifts again--rolling on as it does--and with it, lives change again. A new day comes, offering all kinds of possibilities. Even with the experience of pain and sorrow set deep within me and never to be forgotten, I recognize the potent offerings of my unknown future. I live in a weird world, shifting and unpredictable, but also bountiful and surprising. There is joy in acknowledging that both the weirdness and the world roll on but even more, there is resilience."

"Words are witness to life: they record what has happened, and they make it all real. Words create the stories that become history and become unforgettable. Even fiction portrays truth: good fiction IS truth. Stories about our lives remembered bring us backward while allowing us to move forward."

"The only balm to sorrow is memory; the only salve for the pain of losing someone to death is acknowledging the life that existed before."

"The purpose of great literature is to reveal what is hidden and to illuminate what is in darkness."

"Sharing a love of books and of one particular book is a good thing. But is is also a tricky maneuver, for both sides. The giver of the book is not exactly ripping open her soul for a free look, but when she hands over the book with the comment that it is one of her favorites, such an admission is very close to the baring of the soul. We are what we love to read, and when we admit to loving a book, we admit that the book represents some aspect of ourselves truly, whether it is that we are suckers for romance or pining for adventure or secretly fascinated by crime."

"In reading about experiences both light and dark, I would find the wisdom to get through my own dark times."

"Maybe that is what love is: the taming of desire into something solid and sustainable."

"We all face mysteries--'Why did that have to happen?'--that we will never be able to understand. But we can, and we do, find order somewhere, whether it be in our books, our friends, our family, or our faith. Order is defined by how we live our lives. Order is created by how we respond to what life dishes out to us. Order is found in accepting that not all questions can be answered."

Healing through Grief

During a Skype conversation between my best friend and I (he was in India and I was in the US) in September 2012, my best friend of 6 years told me "Katie, no matter what happens, I will love you forever." The second most heartbreaking phone call I've received in my adult life came just two months later when my other best friend called me on a Monday morning in mid November. "Katie, he's gone."

I've experienced deaths of loved ones in my life (one of the most painful of my childhood occurred when I was just 11 years old)....but none of them have been quite as emotionally painful as the sudden, unexpected loss of my young, kind, and loving best friend. One day while talking about the difficulties of managing my grief/loss while still going to work and trying to be a good therapist to my clients, an intern whom has been doing clinical assessment training with me told me about this book.

"Healing Through the Dark Emotions" salved the emotional pain in my psyche like nothing or no one else could during these last 6 months, for which I'm incredibly grateful. Miriam Greenspan is not only a therapist whom offers professional insights, she has been through her own personal battles with grief and loss as well. Instead of perceiving it as a hopeless negative, however, Greenspan seizes the pain as an opportunity for potential growth. She encourages readers to look deeply within themselves with compassion and curiosity, urging them to surrender to the pain instead of resist it....because as painful as it feels to do so, it is more fruitful to embrace it than let it fester into destructive pain that leads to addiction and overall health dis-ease.

If you're looking for a meaningful (possibly life changing)grief and loss book that strays off the beaten path (ie, one that is not pop psychology-ish), this is the one for you.

Along the axis of Time

If time was relative to a particular person, place, or situation.....would we go about our lives any differently? Would we feel more free to do as we please or more anxiety if the concept of "future" did not exist in our minds? Would our relationships be more meaningful or would we feel hopeless that anything could change without the passage of time? Would our mental health be better with no memory of painful events from our past? What if time wasn't constant but broken up into episodes with the ability to hit 'pause' buttons in between? What if there was nothing to 'measure' time? Would we be more productive? Would we be more creative and carefree....or lazy with no goals, nothing to show for? Would we experience beauty more vividly and more appreciation if time was a quality and not a quantity?

Such questions are asked by Alan Lightman in "Einstein's Dreams," an incredibly beautiful poetic novel that curiously and creatively explores the precious value of 'time' in our lives. A good friend of mine suggested this book to me years ago and I finally got around to reading it. I'm glad I did as it is by far the best fiction novel I've ever read. It touched me deeply on a mental, emotional, and spiritual level. It's resonated with me on such a visceral level that I'm having a difficult time articulating it into words.

Coincidentally enough, I started reading the book as 'time' became more present on my mind and in my life....though more from a negative standpoint. I've been feeling annoyed and pissed off at Time these last few months, particularly when it comes to time zones (don't even get me started on how challenging it is to coordinate talking on the phone with family and friends because of this pesky concept) and that feeling of constantly being busy yet not having enough Time to do all that I would like to do....or Time to 'just be.' Or the yearning to hit the 'rewind' button and relive those past episodes with the knowledge (from the future) that I will not see a particular person in a year's time because he will have died by then, thus savoring every moment with him. This excerpt from "Einstein's Dreams" resonates so true:  "In a world without future, each parting of friends is a death. In a world without future, each loneliness is final. In a world without future, each laugh is the last laugh. In a world without future, beyond the present lies nothingness, and people cling to the present as if hanging from a cliff."

I cannot recommend this book enough. I'd even go so far as to say it should be required reading. The world might be a little brighter and joyful if people took these concepts to heart and somehow integrated it into living a meaningful and purposeful life....

Here's a teaser of my favorite excerpts:

"In a world where time is a sense, like sight or like taste, a sequence of episodes may be quick or may be slow, dim or intense, salty or sweet, causal or without cause, orderly or random, depending on the prior history of the viewer." 

"Suppose that time is not a quantity but a quality, like the luminescence of the night above the trees just when a rising moon has touched the treeline. Time exists, but it cannot be measured."

"In a world where time cannot be measured, there are no clocks, no calendars, no definite appointments. Events are triggered by other events, not by time."

"In a world where time is a quality, events are recorded by the color of the sky, the tone of the boatman's call on the Aare, the feeling or happiness or fear when a person comes into a room. The birth of a baby, the patent of an invention, the meeting of two people are not fixed points in time, held down by hours and minutes. Instead, events glide through the space of imagination, materialized by a look, a desire. Likewise, the time between two events is long or short, depending on the background of contrasting events, the intensity of illumination, the degree of light and shadow, the view of the participants."

"In this world, time is a visible dimension. Just as one may looks off in the distance and see houses, trees, mountain peaks that are landmarks in space, so one may look out in another direction and see births, marriages, deaths that are signposts in time, stretching off dimly in the far future. And just as one may choose whether to stay in one place or run to another, so one may choose his motion along the axis of time. Some people fear traveling far from a comfortable moment. They remain close to one temporal location, barely crawling past a familiar occasion. Others gallop recklessly into the future, without preparation for the rapid sequence of passing events."

What have you done/what are you doing/what would you like to do with this powerful and beautiful Time?

Sliding doors

As I was driving home from my boyfriend's place tonight, I got to thinking how much my life feels a bit like the movie "Sliding Doors" the last two months....except instead of seeing two alternate realities of life based on choices made or not made, my alternate realities exist because of life circumstances that happened within close proximity to another. One amazing door opened shortly before another heartbreaking, tragic door closed.

I met my future boyfriend on October 23, 2012 and the best most loving friend I've ever had in my 35 years on this planet died November 19, 2012. As you may imagine, this turned my world completely upside down. I thought, "What the hell, universe? How could you open such an exciting door of possibility at the same time you took away the one person who often knew me and loved me better than I knew and loved myself?" This made absolutely no sense and totally fucked with my head, more so my heart. I felt angry. I felt confused. I felt guilty for focusing so much on this new man in my life and more so for being happy in his presence when I *should* have been in mourning 24/7 after Rajiv's death (or so that critical side of me told myself).

Two months later and it still feels weird, though I'm not going through extreme emotions anymore. Now I just find myself thinking of my life experiences and memories in terms of two significant time periods: "Before Dragos" and "After Rajiv." In order to understand the significance of these time periods, I must explain why I see my life via these 'sliding doors.'

Door #1, "Before Dragos" (there was Rajiv)

Anyone who knows me well knows that I have relationship issues (or lack thereof would be more apropos). One would think that most 35 year old women have had a plethora of significant other relationships, including even being married by that age. Not me.There have been men I briefly dated, exciting crushes that fizzled out/went nowhere, and developing feelings for male friends. All of them had two things in common: emotional unavailability and no prospect for long term potential.

Though I met my best friend Rajiv a year or two prior to approaching my 30's, he knew my terrible romantic history all too well. Not only did he know my history well, he had this almost magical power of predicting my romantic future (for good or bad) when I'd give him a snapshot of my experiences with a particular guy I was feeling unsure about at the time during our six and a half years of friendship. He was almost always right, my magic 8 ball best friend. "Outlook not so good." "Most likely." "Don't count on it."

While I usually felt clueless when it came to men romantically, Rajiv grounded me and brought me back to reality. His perspective always helped me in some way, even when he said something I didn't want to hear. In some strange way too, I feel like I got 'practice' to completely be myself with a man....open, honest, and intimately knowing one other (minus the romance/sex aspect). He didn't know it, but he was "preparing" me for an emotional intimacy I would soon also share with Dragos.

Here's where the sliding doors emerge.

Door #2 "After Rajiv" (Taking risks without my magic 8 ball)

It's now been 3 months since Dragos and I started dating, 3 weeks now into the 'in a relationship' stage. Rajiv died before I even had a chance to tell him about Dragos. The first man with whom I'm truly embarking on a new and exciting relationship (and chapter in my life) and the man whom loved me so completely unconditionally for the good, bad, ugly and everything in between....these two will never meet, will never know each other, will never know me through the eyes of the other. I will never get to share with Rajiv all the exciting "firsts" I have experienced or will experience with Dragos....or the various thoughts and feelings I have as the relationship progresses. I'll never have my magic 8 ball to give me the thumbs up or thumbs down on this man, though sometimes in my mind (when I'm spending time with Dragos) I picture Rajiv smiling at me or laughing with me.

Dragos will never know what a gift Rajiv gave me....that of feeling worthy of a caring, intimate relationship and capable of going beyond my comfort zone despite how scary it feels because the rewards far outweigh the perceived costs. Dragos will also never know how little things he says or does at times remind me of Rajiv in a funny or comforting way.

These sliding doors that initially gave me an existential crisis now give me an abundance of opportunities....that of love, meaning, growth, and most especially the confidence to become my own magic 8 ball.

Love you always and forever, Rajiv. "It is decidedly so."

Are you stuck in 'the friend zone?'

I'm trying to remember the first time I heard someone use the term 'friend zone.' I believe it was back in 2007. Interesting twist....the person whom shared with me that he often gets stuck in 'the friend zone' with women also had me feeling as if I was stuck in the friend zone with him....despite the fact that it seemed like we both started off liking each other. Arghhh. Thus began the cycle that perpetuated ambiguity and confusion. What happened? Did I miss something along the way? And is it just me or do you hear people talk about the dreaded friend zone all too frequently nowadays?

How does one get stuck in the friend zone exactly? At what point does a flirtatious or magnetic attraction  become friendship and nothing more? Has the friend zone phenomenon always existed or is our current society responsible for its more frequent rate of prevalence? How much of it has to do with more ambiguous and liberal interactions between two people? Is the friend zone more likely to occur between two people of the opposite sex or is it a phenomenon just as prevalent in the gay community? And what (if any) is the connection between the friend zone and its evil twin 'friends with benefits?'

Unfortunately, I have no answers to these questions (sorry dear readers...I'm notorious for asking more questions than providing answers or solutions). I'm curious to hear what others think about this topic though.

I wonder if we're greedy when it comes to dating, courtship (does that even exist in the 21st century?!), sex, and monogamy vs. "keeping my options open." Or perhaps we become overwhelmed and paralyzed by too many choices. Then there's also the definition of friendship, one fraught with too many gray areas.....which at times can include too little patience for sexual tension and not enough for platonic endurance.

It can be easier to get stuck in the friend zone if you are interested in Person A, but there's also Person B, C, and D that you may be curious about or attracted to for a whole different host of reasons. You may not know what you want exactly or perhaps you're not confident enough. Or you're afraid to risk revealing the feelings you do have because you don't want it to take away from the strong friendship already in tact. Maybe you're not direct with communicating your thoughts, feelings, or agenda.

If you truly want to explore a more than friends relationship, either you or the other person has to speak up. It is wrong to assume that just because you're stuck in the friend zone (from your own perspective) that the other person wants to be in the friend zone with you. If neither person brings it up, both are to blame. You then must decide to either accept and appreciate the friendship without exploring that Pandora's Box...or the next time around when you find yourself in a similar predicament with another individual: Take a chance at being direct, even if it means falling flat on your face. You may get some scratches and bruises after the fall, but at least you'll pick yourself up off the ground knowing exactly where you stand: zone-free.

Trust: the "faith" of relationships?

There are numerous reasons I could list on why not to trust someone, but I'm more curious to ponder the opposite: What is it that drives one to take the blind leap of faith and choose to trust another human being? Is it dependent upon the relational dynamic? Is it easier or harder to trust an individual vs. a group entity? Are we more likely to trust others with our secrets, feelings, passions? How much trust do we invest when it comes to trusting someone with our life, fidelity, money?

These are questions I've been pondering since I watched the Martin Scorsese movie "Casino" last night. Throughout the movie, I noticed and found it funny that characters repeatedly (and emphatically) made comments about needing to be able to trust one of the other characters....funny because it's a movie that centers around the mob and  there's major underlying deception going on among multiple characters. As much as they can hold their own in certain situations, the ultimate downfall is that the characters chose to trust when it wasn't in their best interest to do so. And the price for trust? Loss of money, loss of mental sanity, loss of love, loss of friendship, loss of life. With so much at stake, why do they trust? Why do any of us trust?

Perhaps trust is to relationships what faith is to religion....belief in something "higher" or better despite the unknown lurking in the shadows. A yearning for connection on an intimate level (whether with a friend, lover, or spouse) overpowers the risk it takes to trust and the consequences that may unfold as a result of that trust. Could it be that we would rather see the humanity in each other than be jaded and completely closed off? Maybe there's hope for humanity after all. Or so I trust.

I raise my margarita glass to you

Dearest Rajiv,

I could write something very deep and serious about you here, but in many ways you were very much a private person to the outside world, choosing to share that private side with only a select few. Honoring you and celebrating your life isn't about a eulogy of meaningless facts or even sappy sentimentality. No, when I think of how I want to remember you it's in the mundane and unique details that are "you," the weird, random, and funny shit I will always carry with me just as much as the qualities about you I most admired and cherished. So here goes.

I always loved how you'd get passionately angry like a mama bear and throw around the best of foul language when someone (especially someone you cared about) was being screwed over or hurt in some way. That kind of loyalty is hard to come by and always made me laugh a little inside.

I will never forget when you were dogsitting years ago for a guy you didn't like...you didn't have kind words for him but told him "I wish Doolie (the dog) the best." I laugh every time I think of that, just as I laugh every time I think of the night you showed me a very cheesy porn scene with the woman who propositioned a man for a sexual conquest because "Would you be so kind as to.....? I don't want to be a rookie for my husband."

Your distinct and infectious laugh as you'd clap your hands excitedly, usually followed by "Oh my god, that's hilarious!" How your dance moves got crazier the more alcohol you drank, especially the time we had a dance party in your living room one night and your knees hurt so bad the next day because you were busting out dance moves all over the hardwood floor.

Your love of Mexican food, especially avocados and Garcia's margaritas. You always got Eddie and I in trouble with insisting on ordering that 2nd pitcher we most certainly did NOT need. There was something magical in those Garcia's margaritas, an elixir of sorts that brought out all the best conversational worlds of wit, weirdness, silliness, waxing philosophical, and even sweetly sentimental. I will always think of you when I drink a margarita, especially from Garcia's.

For years you would absentmindedly and accidentally address me as Eddie or Eddie as Katie, then catch yourself. "Hey Eddie....I mean, Katie." And though I can't remember any at the moment, there were the Rajiv quotes....things you'd say that were unintentionally funny, perhaps because the way you unknowingly worded things and they only sounded funny to Eddie and I because we're not from your country.

Then there was the time we almost got kicked out of the casino on our Michigan trip, not only because we were taking pictures inside but because for whatever reason you gave security the impression that you looked suspicious or a potential "threat" with your man bag and they briefly put out an APB on you.We were the youngest people in that senior citizen-ish casino. They had probably never encountered a stylishly dressed 30something year old with a man bag before that cold December night.

Far more mundane but no less memorable....listening to music in the Lakeview apartment (Peaches!) and trying on a bunch of your old silly Halloween wigs, watching indie movies together and talking about/analyzing them afterwards, eating Thai food at your favorite Thai place at the top of the Bloomingdale's building on Michigan Ave, you bluntly and honestly telling me at times things I didn't want to hear but always helped me in the end, your comments over the years about "the girls" or our occasional "TMI" stories.

Of course, I will always cherish your softer and kinder side....but it is your playfulness, quirkiness, laugh, and sense of humor that will provide me endless laughter and smiles for the rest of my life, far surpassing any tears I am now shedding right now in this time of raw emotional grief. I love you, my weird and sweet best friend in this world. You better be greeting me on the other side with a margarita when it's my time.

Love,
Katie

Organically intimate

Opening up. Letting go. Surrendering. To oneself. The moment. To opportunities for organic intimacy with the self and with friends or lovers. How often do we allow ourselves this in the age of iPhones, iPads, texts, social networking, cyber chats, busy lifestyles and instant gratification? How often do we pick up the phone to share something of depth and meaning with another? Share laughter, spark intellectually stimulating conversation, swap life stories, or otherwise hidden secrets?

We fidget, we resist, we avoid ourselves and each other, we escape into machines and addictions. The humanity that can be found in connecting is fading in the dwindling creative process that takes place when people interact and relate in organic ways....face to face, heart to heart, verbal conversations, eye contact, touch, body language, expression of visceral uncensored emotion, vulnerability (being emotionally "naked," open, honest, and transparent with nothing to hide behind/from).

I could be in the minority that finds these experiences few and far between, but I highly doubt it. Having recently experienced a significant number of these experiences more than the usual (ie, rare), I got to thinking how much different I feel with them vs. without them. Connected. Alive. Joyful. Hopeful. Seen, wanted, desired, understood, known. Real experiences evoke real emotion. Virtual is an illusion that numbs and leaves one extremely wanting. It's no wonder why we as an American society are more depressed, disconnected, empty, unhealthy (physically and emotionally), and overly medicated now more than ever. But it doesn't have to be that way.

It will likely feel very uncomfortable to relax and completely surrender to your physical environment when you've been tethered to the ease of virtual living for so long. But you will feel alive. Earlier this week I had one (of many) such moments. I've recently discovered a new interest and appreciation for relaxation yoga and meditation, something that never struck my fancy until I was at my wit's end with a painful rib injury that left me desperate to try just about anything to heal that much quicker. Sadly, this was my only motivation for going. I'm oddly grateful for that injury though because it gave me the priceless gift of yoga. It's done wonders for my soul. I'm able to relax and let go completely, which speaks volumes since I can rarely turn myself completely to "off" mode. Since I've been practicing this yoga once a week, it's becoming a little more natural and likely I can do so when I'm not in the class.

Then there's meditation. I've never been one to meditate. I never thought I could do it the "right" way, even thought it to be boring, futile, and even a little pretentious. The other night, however, proved me wrong. Within minutes of being asked to think about and visualize those in my life who have been my greatest teachers, mentors, and loving supporters....my eyes (which were shut) filled with tears as I found myself surprisingly overcome with emotion, triggered by memories of people dear to my heart. I was filled with such joy to be reminded of this love and gratitude that could have gone unnoticed otherwise.

As I have been challenging myself, I challenge you to seek out opportunities to live in the organic....that which kindles intimacy and self-discovery, sparks genuine self-expression.

Real is slow, organic, random, messy, risky, at times even ecstacy. A puzzle to be put together. Layers of an onion to be peeled. A gift to be unwrapped and savored.

Sexuality/memoir book recommendation

It can be challenging enough to write about the taboo subject of those who engage in the BDSM and swinger lifestyle, let alone write about it from a perspective of self-discovery and intimate honesty. Suzy Spencer blends and balances the two perfectly in "Secret Sex Lives: A Year on the Fringes of American Sexuality." In between the voyeuristic sharing of her interviews, correspondence, and in person interactions with her subjects, Suzy also courageously explores her own sexuality with curious wonder.

What I most respected and loved about this book wasn't what was said, but how she said it. Not once did I feel the writing was contrived, patronizing, condemning, or even glorifying....which I imagine is difficult not to do when writing about taboo sexual practices. Suzy did not always agree with her subjects, nor could she oftentimes relate to their practices...but she always respected them and she turned something that could be construed as stereotypically "dark" and "dirty" into a very humanistic desire: Finding that sexual spark or passion that exists deep within human beings, yearning to be ignited....to be authentically wanted, seen, and known.

Sexual compulsion and the internet

As a mental health therapist working in the community mental health system, I'm constantly challenged by a myriad of presenting problems clients would like to work on in therapy. While I've been working in the field of co-occurring disorders (ie, addiction and mental health) since 2005, there are certain disorders I'm very skilled in and others I have very little knowledge or experience to draw from.

I'd venture to guess that an individual presenting to therapy is confident that their therapist can help them tackle any and all presenting clinical problems. Unfortunately, this is not always realistically possible. Sometimes the problem is totally out of the scope of a clinician's educational or professional competence. In these instances, referral to a more appropriate professional specialist is warranted. In a majority of cases, however, it is important for clinicians to take the initiative to seek either (or both) supervision, case consultation with trusted colleagues, and self-motivated professional development via continuing education classes/workshops or reading professional literature on the particular subject.

With that said, I was recently presented with a case involving compulsive masturbation and addictive online sexual behavior. I found myself (internally) floundering within this extremely sexually revelatory session with my client....not out of discomfort of the subject matter being discussed, but out of not knowing how to specifically help someone with this particular issue. Especially given how vulnerable my client felt telling me and wanting the client to continue feeling confident or courageous enough to proceed with treatment.

I found myself both intimidated and intrigued by this newfound clinical challenge, that of sex/cybersex addiction. Immediately and somewhat ironically, I searched various sites online for well-written and highly rated professional books on the topic. Much to my surprise, it was a disappointing and difficult search. While there are a plethora of books promoting "healthy" sexuality and how to explore one's sexuality in healthy/safe ways, books on sexual addiction are few and far between. The book I ended up getting wasn't even one I thought would be very helpful, but it ended up being decent.

"In the Shadows of the Net" by Carnes, Delmonico, and Griffin explores and analyzes the dangerous allure of the Internet on one's sexual proclivities, especially given the technologically dependent society we live in. Although certainly not to be used by any means as an excuse to act out compulsive sexual behaviors, the availability of sexual content and ease of anonymity online makes it that much easier for an individual to get sucked into a downward spiral of unhealthy and unmanageable sexual behavior. Chapters in this book include identifying problematic behavior ("Do I Have a Problem with Cybersex? and "Understanding Problematic Sexual Behavior on the Internet"), analyzing sexual arousal and intimacy ("What Turns You On? The Arousal Template" and "Courtship Gone Awry"), and how to change/recover from sexually addictive behaviors ("Boundaries," "Taking That First Step," "Changing the Way You Live," "Preventing Relapse: Maintaining the Changes You've Made," and "Family Dynamics and Cybersex"). I found "Understanding Problematic Sexual Behaviors on the Internet," "What Turns You On?," "Courtship Gone Awry," and "Boundaries" to be most helpful.

Upon reading the second half of the book, I realized recovery for sex addiction is very similar to alcohol and drug addiction. The author posits that there is a stronger propensity for relapse with sexual addiction than other addictions. Not sure I agree with that, though the relapse prevention model is very much akin to those used in alcohol/drug recovery programs and seeing that made me feel more confident in my professional capabilities to help a client seeking recovery for sexual addiction. I might even take it one step further and pursue a training to become a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist.

Who can say their work is never boring or that they're always learning more about the human condition?

Therapists.

Closeted free spirit

 Photo taken by me, Mt. Baker-Snoqualmie National Forest, August 2012.


It's funny how you think you know yourself well....but then one particular day, week, or month comes along to reveal something about yourself you had not noticed before. All this time you gravitated to and admired others that had this special presence about them, not even recognizing maybe the reason is because deep down....you are just like them.

Travelers. Independent thinkers. Unconventional lifestyles that go against the grain of the status quo. Intelligent. Quirky. Friendly and approachable. Walking contradiction. Incredibly curious. Spontaneous. Worldly in one way or another. Crave meaningful experiences and people, no matter how fleeting. Love learning. Open-minded. Dare to be different. Creative. Explorers. Seek adventure. Challenge themselves mentally and physically. Take risks. Usually fearless. Compassionate. Appreciate both the simplicities and complexities of life.

Go ahead. Admit it.

You're a closeted free spirit.

Get Your Gaggle On

I came across this book ("The Gaggle" by Jessica Massa) quite randomly and unexpectedly after reading an article about it on CNN last week. I'm not normally one to be drawn to typical dating/relationship advice self-help-y books....which is exactly why I loved this book so much. While most dating/how-to-find-love books (particularly those geared towards heterosexual women) harp on all the stereotypical "do's" and "don'ts" in order to snag 'the one,' "The Gaggle" turns the focus to one of self-discovery. Incredibly refreshing! It caters to those of us navigating through the confusing post-modern dating world who are looking for something different. After reading this book, I have more insight, optimism, and an overall more relaxed outlook on dating/relationships in the 21st century. I had an epiphany of sorts. Part of my problem had been my mindset. I was going about it all wrong....dating and/or pursuing a long-term relationship in very black and white terms. "The Gaggle" encourages women to explore those shades of grey with an open mind, awareness, and sense of adventure(aka, those various men in your life whom serve a very functional and/or meaningful role without you even realizing it...until you read what's in this book!). I have a great 'gaggle' of fun, intelligent, attractive, and caring men in my life. How can I not feel excited and grateful to have SEVERAL guys in my life that fulfill me in one or more ways?

Melting ice in Annawadi

Pulitzer Prize winner Katherine Boo eloquently and brilliantly captures what is truly a heartbreaking level of abject poverty in a slum of Mumbai (Annawadi), India in "Behind the Beautiful Forevers: Life, Death, and Hope in a Mumbai Undercity." Boo weaves intimately detailed narratives of a handful of the residents, respectfully revealing the gritty nuances of their day to day existence. Tragic tales juxtaposed against tremendous resiliency and ability to adapt to destructive forces (particularly in regard to inescapable political corruption).

I finished reading this book several hours ago and I'm still struggling with articulating the words to describe my thoughts and feelings about it, nearly speechless. Ever heard human emotions can be narrowed down to seven basic emotions? This is a rare book that will likely trigger all seven for you as it did me: fear, sadness, anger, joy, surprise, disgust, and contempt.

I give this book five stars (and in my estimation, hands down the best work of narrative non-fiction of 2012 thus far!) based on the following factors: 1. Well-written, both in content and with an excellent balance of objectivity as well as articulating the complexities with a humanistic touch. 2. It's a human interest piece that educates without exploitation or self-righteousness. 3.Truthful accounts validated by reliable sources via the documented experiences of residents with notes, video recordings, audiotapes, and photographs. 4.It challenges one's notions on diverse subjects of morality, politics (corruption at its worst), freedom, and loyalty to community vs. individualism/being true to oneself. 5. Despite the tragic subject matter of the book, Katherine Boo subtly reflects the luminous power of the human spirit to live in survival mode and yet experience beauty, hope, and love amidst the worst imaginable living conditions.

"Behind the Beautiful Forevers" reads so much like a work of fiction, I kept having to remind myself "These are REAL people and these disturbing things REALLY did happen...are still happening." I had immense empathy for the "characters" Katherine Boo chronicles. I wanted to reach through the pages and pull them out, take a stand on their behalf...or at the very least, take a stand against injustice with them....to a more safe and peaceful, joyful place.

If you think you have it bad in life, read this book for a brutal awakening that life could be much, much worse. One such example: It's common in the slums to have "jobs" as garbage scavengers, which comes with dangers you can hardly imagine. The most disturbing sentence in the novel: ‎"Where skin broke, maggots got in. Lice colonized hair, gangrene inched up fingers, calves swelled into tree trunks, and Abdul and his younger brothers kept a running wager about which of the scavengers would be the next to die."

A few other powerful quotes which particularly stood out to me:

"Becoming a success in the great, rigged market of the overcity required less effort and intelligence than getting by, day to day, in the slums. The crucial things were luck and the ability to sustain two convictions: that what you were doing wasn't all that wrong, in the scheme of things, and that you weren't all that likely to get caught."

"What was unfolding in Mumbai was unfolding elsewhere, too. In the age of global market capitalism, hopes and grievances were narrowly conceived, which blunted a sense of common predicament. Poor people didn't unite; they competed ferociously amongst themselves for gains as slender as they were provisional. And this undercity strife created only the faintest ripple in the fabric of the society at large. The gates of the rich, occasionally rattled, remained unbreached. The politicians held forth on the middle class. The poor took down one another, and the world's great, unequal cities soldiered on in relative peace." 

Open your mind. Open your heart. Open this book.

Ponderings of the culturally curious

I'm not sure why, but culture has long fascinated me. My earliest (or at least, most significant) memories related to cultural curiosity: Playing at a friend's house (on several occasions) when I was 9 or 10 years old. My friend Annette and her family were Puerto Rican. Though Annette spoke English, her family members spoke in thick Spanish accents. As I didn't know Spanish, I heard words but had no idea what they were saying to each other. I was curious to know. Were they saying anything they wanted in front of me knowing I wouldn't have a clue what they were saying? Or was it much more mundane conversation than I conjured up in my imagination? All I knew is that I wanted to decipher their foreign language, which in my mind was a barrier to my understanding. Yet it was also fun for me, as I found myself watching their body language for clues on what they might be saying to each other...or at least how they were saying it. I guess you could say this sparked the beginning of my curiosity to learn, to explore, to understand people from different cultural backgrounds. Sometimes I even wish I were of a different race or from a different culture....to wear different clothes, to have different colored skin and hair, to speak another language, to eat different foods, to have different values, rituals, traditions. Even a different daily routine. There's nothing all that fascinating about being a white woman from the US, at least culturally speaking...

This past week I've been thinking alot about culture and how much different one's life could be submerged in one culture versus another. A repressive culture. A liberating and open-minded culture. An oppressive or dangerous culture. A misogynist culture. A culture of violence. A culture of capitalism. A culture off the grid. So many alternate identities we'd have. Are we any less strong, brave, free-spirited, open-minded, or obedient in each different cultural environment?

If I were living in the Middle East amidst 'the morality police' that punishes women for things like revealing their ankles, would I submit to obedience out of fear or would I be bold and subversive no matter the cost? And at the same time, am I making biased negative or positive assumptions about culture due to inaccurate knowledge? I'm thirsty for knowledge. I thought my mind was wide open before, but I'm realizing how little I know even for someone who is probably more educated and well-read than the average American. Truly humbling and oddly refreshing to realize there are mysteries in life which I may never be aware or be able to grasp in understanding. Keeps life always juicy and 'new' in a way.

Iran and Palestine have been at the forefront of my mind as far as a few clients I work with that are from those regions, as this is the first time I have worked with anyone from the culture of the Middle East. Listening to their experiences and the impact of culture on their experiences has been eye opening, as well as inspiring. I find myself having feelings all across the board for them....sadness, anger, compassion, admiration, inspiration, and hopefulness.

 Interestingly, I also watched a movie this week called "Circumstance'  (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1684628/) that examines issues of cultural influence. The film takes place in Tehran and centers on the forbidden love of two teenage girls that struggle between being true to themselves amidst an oppressive misogynistic culture. We can say we would do this, that, or the other "If I were in that situation....," but how do we know what we would truly do? If only there were alternate realities/universes to find out. Then again, that would ruin the juicy mystery...